Hamster Wheel of Life

Lesson 8

2006-01-08T16:18:00.000-08:00

Workbook Lesson 8

My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts.

This idea is, of course, the reason why you see only the past. No one really sees anything. He sees only his thoughts projected outward. The mind's preoccupation with the past is the cause of the misconception about time from which your seeing suffers. Your mind cannot grasp the present, which is the only time there is. It therefore cannot understand time, and cannot, in fact, understand anything.

The one wholly true thought one can hold about the past is that it is not here. To think about it at all is therefore to think about illusions. Very few have realized what is actually entailed in picturing the past or in anticipating the future. The mind is actually blank when it does this, because it is not really thinking about anything.

My Commentary: Our minds are like movie screens, they always have nothing on them, they are merely foundations for our own projections to find their home. Likewise my own mind thrives off of the projections from the past. All of my fears and frustrations are rooted in these past thoughts, as well as my expectations for the future. It is only when I am able to recognize how the projections of my mind support by own resistance to peace of mind, that I reclaim my willingness to find solace. If I remain in denial the delusion will continue.

In truth I am not thinking about anything, I am only projecting. Now I choose to once again recognize the real clarity of my mind through the removal of all projection, and be still. I may not be able to accomplish this task long, for truly being still requires great discipline to fully achieve; but, being invested in and willing to experience the peace is surely a significant beginning.

Here and now I release all thoughts about the past. I accept the truth that it is no here, and never will be here. All perceived incidences which seemingly caused hurt have been set free. No longer do I hold onto any thought without understanding from where it arrives, and in what it is invested. Thoughts about people are false projections from the past where I perceived I could be harmed, betrayed or alone. This is not true, nor could it ever have been. I am more than I know.

Lesson 6 and Lesson 7

2006-01-07T07:58:00.000-08:00

(I'm catching up from yesterday -- as I'm recovering from a bad cold. But nonetheless, these are very powerful lessons and significant for mind healing.)

LESSON 6

"I am upset because I see something that is not there."

The exercises with this idea are very similar to the preceding ones. Again, it is necessary to name both the form of upset (anger, fear, worry, depression and so on) and the perceived source very specifically for any application of the idea. For example:

"I am angry at _____ because I see something that is not there."
"I am worried about _____ because I see something that is not there."

Today's is useful for application to anything that seems to upset you, and can profitably be used throughout the day for that purpose. However, the three or four practice periods which are required should be preceded by a minute or so of mind searching, as before, and the application of the idea to each upsetting thought uncovered in the search.

Again, if you resist applying the idea to some upsetting thoughts more than to others, remind yourself of the two cautions stated in the previous lesson:

"There are no small upsets. They are equally disturbing to my peace of mind."

And:

"I cannot keep this form of upset and let the others go. For the purposes of these exercises, then, I will regard them all as the same."

Lesson 7

I See Only the Past

My Commentary: This lesson hits home for me, as it cuts to the core. Most of my upsets have been fueled by my choice to see what is not there, to see only the past. Namely I appear to carry on the perceived guilt in another. I have found it most difficult to free others from my judgments, especially when it comes to people whom I have already believed to be attacked by. Although the past is over, my mind is continually reminding me of all the perceived injury which was supposedly done and all the hurt feelings left behind. My mind continues to live in suspicion, wondering when this person will hurt me again. Projecting my hurt into to future, I assume that more people want to hurt others than be honest, loving and true. And then I am left as an empty shell, miserable and lost in my sadness. The world has become my prison.

But it is I who chooses to hold onto this perceived attack. It is I who sees this guilt in another and it is I who continues to suffer. It may seem that my mind judges instantly, but it is I who succumb without resistance. I torture only myself. I remember only the past. Yet reality has already moved on (even the person who has perceived to wrong me). I cling to what is not there. Yet why?

The Course has helped me tremendously over the years, but there are still a handful of so-called "button-pushers" I identify with. I struggle over the belief that we are all the same, and that even these so judged guilty ones are not separate from me. I accept this statement from The Course but still to this day do not live it completely. I find myself faking it until I make it, smiling and pretending that everything is okay between us, when if fact it is not. Continually practicing the lessons, year after year, brings me a little closer to my complete healing. Although I still have not completely let go, I notice definite improvement. I may still see guilt and anger linger. I may still feel wronged and assume in new situations that it will continue, projecting from the past, but it is not ruling my life anymore. The key has been recognized.

Forgiveness is the key to truth. "The emptiness engendered by fear must be replaced by forgiveness." We have to choose truth over darkness. We have to choose love over fear. There is no other way to heal completely. As long as we hold onto one grievance, we remain entrapped in darkness. We will continue to suffer and project the decomposed past onto the pristine present. We must choose to be free.

Honestly, this is not always easy. I sometimes find myself arguing with my mind, as it wants to project guilt or claim forgiveness. "But you don't understand..." my mind cries out, "look what he has done!!" "How can I let THAT ONE go?!?" Yet the peaceful voice within my mind persists, "Do you want peace? Your brother in truth as done nothing, because there is nothing here that can truly threaten you. If you identify with your body, with your world, than all you will see is guilt and lack of love. In the world there are more than a few excuses to engender fear, but being that is based on illusion, you base your judgments on false pretenses." And so the choice remains, do I want to live on false pretense or do I want to be peaceful truth? I am more than I know.

Lesson 5

2006-01-05T16:57:00.000-08:00

(as the text of the lessons gets more indepth I'll be putting a link to them. Please go there and read the lesson and its explanation / directions in full so that you can practice as intended.)

Workbook Lesson 5

I am never upset for the reason I think.

This idea, like the preceding one, can be used with any person, situation or event you think is causing you pain. Apply it specifically to whatever you believe is the cause of your upset, using the description of the feeling in whatever term seems accurate to you. The upset may seem to be fear, worry, depression, anxiety, anger, hatred, jealousy or any number of forms, all of which will be perceived as different. This is not true. However, until you learn that form does not matter, each form becomes a proper subject for the exercises for the day. Applying the same idea to each of them separately is the first step in ultimately recognizing they are all the same.

Commentary from Rev. Deb Phelps: Today's Lesson gifts me with a mindfulness of what is occurring with my thoughts. I do not have to spend the time figuring it out at this point, why I am feeling upset, angry, afraid or the like. I just have to be willing to notice and be observant of what is there in my mind that is causing me some form of distress. I will learn as I continue to progress that all upsets are equal in their disturbance to my mind.

My Commentary: If I were to truly look at my thoughts as they were occurring, and admitted to myself that this upset is not for the reason I think, then I'm giving myself the opportunity to think differently. In searching my mind, and admitting that my upsetting thoughts are rooted in fears or thoughts of the past, I can see that I have more freedom now.

For example, yesterday I was driving home from my internship when a certain and sudden feeling of anxiety came to mind. I was thinking that my other cat (Sunnie) the beloved pet I've had for nearly 10 years was going to die too. I pictured myself walking into to house and finding him dead. I then felt horrible and scared. I thought, "How can that be? That isn't fair!! I'll be devestated!!" Next thing I knew I was driving faster, trying to reach home to make sure he was okay. But then I stopped (not suddenly) took a few deep breaths and accepted that I was probably not upset for the reason I thought. I realized that my anxiety was rooted in the past loss of my cat on Tuesday, and that I was magnifying that loss by pre-grieving any other possible loss. This brought me back to the present and I once again felt free. Of course when I did return home Sunnie was fine.. it was only my mind's distortions that were askew.

And such is the case with most forms of upset. We project our pain from the past onto an unknown future. We grasp for control through judgment, expectations and misperceptions. We literally torture ourselves and choose to surrender our peace of mind to the illusory demons of our imaginings. As long as we do this, any form of upset (small or large) will be equally disturbing to our peace of mind. Unless we choose again. The state of Peace is inside the mind beyond all these thoughts in the stillness. In truth we are free. We are more than we know.

Lesson Four

2006-01-05T04:41:00.000-08:00

(Personal Note: This was yesterday's 1/4/06 lesson. Due to dealing with the loss of my cat, I felt a bit lost and needed some time to re-center. See below)

Workbook Lesson 4

These thoughts do not mean anything.

These thoughts do not mean anything. They are like the things I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place].

Unlike the preceding ones, these exercises do not begin with the idea for the day. In these practice periods, begin with noting the thoughts that are crossing your mind for about a minute. Then apply the idea to them. If you are already aware of unhappy thoughts, use them as subjects for the idea. Do not, however, select only the thoughts you think are "bad." You will find, if you train yourself to look at your thoughts, that they represent such a mixture that, in a sense, none of them can be called "good" or "bad." This is why they do not mean anything.

Commentary: Admitting that our thoughts do not mean anything is the final straw in accepting our power back. Is it not our thoughts that seem to control everything we say, feel and do? Are they not the major cause of all of our upsets? Thoughts create our expectations and manipulate our perceptions. They tell us what we should think about everyone and everything. There are too many times that I have become a slave of my thoughts.

For me to admit that my thoughts do not mean anything is for me to step into the light of freedom. I choose to look within into what appears to bind me. All the thoughts that instill fear, worry, guilt, anger and continued beliefs in separation. As long as I don't see these thoughts as meaningless they will continue to rule, and like the downward spiral, drag me into a dark oblivion of victimization.

But, I now know that I do not want that. I want to be free! I want to be happy and feel peace of mind. In order to do this it is required that I see my thoughts for what they are: snippets of misunderstandings only gripping me fearful by their projections. In truth they are meaninglessness. They cannot have hold over me unless I see them, accept them and then react to them. Yet, now that I accept the truth of their meaninglessness, I have another option: freedom.

I am more than I know... and this creates peace of mind.

-----------------------------

Personal note: The above lesson was a difficult one for me today, especially in grieving the loss of my cat. It took me most of the day (in fact as I was laying in bed at night) to finally admit that my thoughts of loneliness, loss, guilt, fear and pain did not mean anything. I reviewed the times during the day where I PERMITTED the fearful and sad thoughts to take hold. I reviewed the anxiety that was felt and hard cold stone of pain which appeared in my heart-center. I saw how this was the grip of my thoughts, and I needed to choose peace instead.

Any thought centered in fear is not a clear thought. These thoughts will only victimize you with further thoughts of fear, anger, doubt, guilt, pain, etc. As I lay and re-cognize and re-center on this, my mind remembered that it was the perceived emptiness and aloneness which supported the pain. Yet in truth I am never alone. There was no loss. It was not my cat's former body which created the love. It was only a tool for communicating that love and the message was well received for many years -- and returned. This brought my thoughts into a new perspective. I (and all within the world) are more than their mere appearance. We are never alone, because we are not solely our bodies. And that which we are in truth can never be lost.

Celebrating the life of Gideon

2006-01-03T12:13:00.000-08:00

Gideon came into my life as "Barney" 8 years ago. I was not expecting to bring another cat home that day, but knew my other cat Sunnie would benefit from a playmate. Gideon stole my heart from the moment I saw him. He had found a way to position himself in the cage so his head could rest in the food bowl and his butt in the litter box. Even then he was a problem-solver!

Originally a ferral cat, it was suspected that he was handicapped from being hit by a car. Yet even with both of his back legs partially paralyzed and barely able to lift his tail, he put much strength into being a survivor. He waddled using what balance he had left in his legs to stand (he succeeded on carpet) he still had tenacity. His meow and purrs were always loud, so much so that once he was mistaken for a crying baby. Never surrendering when he wanted something, he first meowed very loudly then tapped on my foot or leg with one paw.. then escalated to clawing with the paw until I gave him what he wanted then and there. Even when he was sick he still pulled himself around on his belly and flicked his tail trying to make the best out the situation.

His loving strong spirit shown through in all that he was. He was the one who played passive to Sunnie's torment at first (often sneaking up on Sunnie later to retaliate). He is the one who waddled around with head held high, always acting as if his handicap was nothing of much concern. Sure, he'd occassionally play the "gimp card," but only when he knew it would help him get what he wanted.

Yet, when I wasn't looking he always found a way. With curiousity just as strong as his tenacity, he would teach himself to climb stairs using mainly his front paws and claws, with only his back legs as occassional pivots. I would lay in bed in the evening and hear him climbing enthusiastically to me.. claw, drag, claw, drag.. nothing stood in his way.

He loved the smell of the fresh air from the deck and always came running when he knew the door would be open, so happy to breathe the fresh air. He could sit on the deck for hours, sometimes even after the sun went down, peacefully sitting and breathing in the air with eyes half closed in pure joy. Sometimes I'd even find him on top of the deck banister, which still to this day I'm unsure how he managed to do that.

His world was not a world of limitation, it was only of love and possibilities. Greeting me everyday as I came home, he immediately waddled to the stair (next to the scratching post)and enthusiastically scratched it, all the while keeping his eyes on me for approval. He thought that scratching on the carpet was okay.. well, both the scratching post and stair were made of carpet, one was just closer to him to reach. He thought he was doing the right thing, so I could never correct him further (immediately after he'd waddle to his food bowl expecting his reward).

Gideon was always in the mood to give affection. Whenever I'd pick him up he'd place his paws on my shoulders in hug position, occassionally snuggling up so tight that I had to release his claws manually. His favorite place to sleep was with his face in my shoes. He had an odd fetish of enjoying sleeping with his nose covered and would often use any of my shoes he could find to stick his face in as he slept. He'd go on searches just to find a pair of shoes he could lay on; I started leaving them out of the closet just for him. Many of my shoes are permanently flattened from his weight of being slept on all day.

He also loved to snuggle on the bed with me at night. Even there he would forcefully shove his head in my hand or crook of my elbow, to cover his nose as he slept. Weighing in at nearly 19lbs (he didn't get much exercise other than his wrestling matches with Sunnie) he would climb the mattress (he couldn't jump that high) and settle as close to my face as he could. I'd often have to move around so as not to feel smothered or breathe in his fur as I tried to sleep. But he knew what he wanted and rarely budged. Yet no matter how close he was there was always one paw reaching out to touch me, possibly for extra security.

Gideon was assisted in his final transition today at 10:35am. He had been suffering from an unknown possibly genetic blood disease for the past two months, which escalated severely last week. I knew today was the day, as he was starting to show signs of suffering and I knew that he did not deserve a lingering kind of death.

I will miss Gideon dearly, and hope that these words of his favorite joys and adventures can help you remember him too. He lived to symbolize how love cannot be halted by injury and that limitation is truly in the eye of the beholder. I cannot express enough gratitude for all the love and joy he presented me with. As his name means, he was truly a warrior of spirit.

Rest in Peace Gideon... you are dearly loved.

Lesson Three

2006-01-03T04:19:00.000-08:00

Workbook Lesson 3

I do not understand anything I see.

I do not understand anything I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place].

Apply this idea in the same way as the previous ones, without making distinctions of any kind. Whatever you see becomes a proper subject for applying the idea. Be sure that you do not question the suitability of anything for application of the idea. These are not exercises in judgment. Anything is suitable if you see it. Some of the things you see may have emotionally charged meaning for you. Try to lay such feelings aside, and merely use these things exactly as you would anything else.

The point of the exercises is to help you clear your mind of all past associations, to see things exactly as they appear to you now, and to realize how little you really understand about them. It is therefore essential that you keep a perfectly open mind, unhampered by judgment, in selecting the things to which the idea for the day is to be applied. For this purpose one thing is like another; equally suitable and therefore equally useful.

Commentary: This exercise cuts to the core of the "I Know" mind. Here I am openly and freely choosing to accept the possibility (if not the fact) that I do not understand what I see. This includes all the judgments that we make about everyone and everything. I do not understand that person. I do not understand that pencil. I do not understand why there are people who hurt other people in this world. I do not understand why my cat has gotten so ill and will die soon. I do not understand the world.

So what is there to understand?? In truth, there is much more to understand than our mere limited minds and experiences can see, feel, touch, hear or taste. There is more to understand than only our point of view can conclude. There is more to understand about everyone and everything than what I am believing I know right now... even if I'm absolutely sure that I am right.

Here we dance with the mindset of not being in control and not knowing the truth of all things or others. These two concepts alone could send your average adult into a panic attack. Aren't we supposed to know? How else could we make proper decisions? Wouldn't the whole world break out into Anarchy if we were to release control and admit that we don't know? I don't know.

Lesson Two

2006-01-02T08:59:00.000-08:00

LESSON 2

"I have given everything I see in this room
[on this street, from this window, in this place]
all the meaning that it has for me."

Commentary: This IS a world of my perception. All that I see is dependent upon all that I believe I am. If I am to perceive myself dependent upon the things around me, that is a self-created prison. I would forever be left in fear of having or not having, need and being needed. I would be lost in a world of victimization and seeking outside of myself for happiness or completion. This is how powerful our minds are. They define and create the very world in which we live.

Our minds tell us what is necessary for our stability, health, success and well being. Our minds whisper fears if these things are not received according to our expectations and defined perceptions. Without our own meaning, in deed the world would be meaningless, which can fortify a sense of acceptance or a sense of fear. That also is up to us.

We punish ourselves through our "I know" mind. We tell ourselves that we know because we can see, hear, taste, touch and think. We tell ourselves that we know because we can logically deduce, and let that perceived knowledge create our hopes, joys and sorrows.

Yet fear is ever ready to pounce if I were to admit that I knew nothing. Wouldn't I then be left in a state of insecurity? Are not most people terrified by the unknown? Yet what if we were to strongly state to ourselves and to the world that we did not know? We did not know what these experiences were all about? We did not know what the future could hold? We did not know enough to make harsh or beneficial judgments about others? What if we were to admit that we are merely masking and projecting only to create a realm of perceived security? Could we gain peace through acceptance? Only our own minds could choose the result. And so even there we too are left within our own meaning.

So where do I find myself right now? Am I lost in a world of my own imaginings? Yes! Do I allow myself to thrive or be befallen by the world around me? Yes! Am I able to choose again and see with a more whole, peaceful perspective? Yes!! Since the world is a world in which I made by own thinking, I too hold the key to freedom. I am more than I know!

Lesson One

2006-01-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

A Course in Miracles Workbook Lesson 1
"Nothing I See Means Anything."

Nothing I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place] means anything.
Now look slowly around you, and practice applying this idea very specifically to whatever you see:
This table does not mean anything.
This chair does not mean anything.
This hand does not mean anything.
This foot does not mean anything.
This pen does not mean anything.
Then look farther away from your immediate area, and apply the idea to a wider range:
That door does not mean anything.
That body does not mean anything.
That lamp does not mean anything.
That sign does not mean anything.
That shadow does not mean anything.

Notice that these statements are not arranged in any order, and make no allowance for differences in the kinds of things to which they are applied. That is the purpose of the exercise. The statement should merely be applied to anything you see. As you practice the idea for the day, use it totally indiscriminately. Do not attempt to apply it to everything you see, for these exercises should not become ritualistic. Only be sure that nothing you see is specifically excluded. One thing is like another as far as the application of the idea is concerned.
Each of the first three lessons should not be done more than twice a day each, preferably morning and evening. Nor should they be attempted for more than a minute or so, unless that entails a sense of hurry. A comfortable sense of leisure is essential.

My Commentary:

For me, this lesson inspires feelings of fear. It dares to thereaten the very substance which I have maintained my whole life. Indeed I have applied meaning to everything I see. I can accept that my investment in all I hold dear is dependent upon my investment alone.

The fear that comes from the removal of my investment. The thought that I will be suffering or lesser than secure if that which I speak of is removed. A thought in my mind says in rebuttal, "Oh! That does not mean anything?! Sure!! Okay!! Fine!! Let's remove it and see how you feel about it then." And suddenly my peace comes to a screetching halt.

"Wait!! Wait!!" I stammer. "I NEED that... don't take it!"

"But, I thought I heard you say that it means nothing???"

"No.. no... I value it. Please don't take it.. I'll be afraid... I'll be alone."

Aha!! But why? A more peaceful thought within me responds. "Why indeed?" I wonder why I feel a need for it -- what meaning have I applied to the object or image that I feel so desperately attached to it. So desperately afraid if I lose it. What does it appear to do for me? How does it appear to define me? How does it make me feel more secure? Loved? Successful? Happy? And what are those feelings anyway? Why do I even choose to define myself in those terms?

"That is the purpose of our study," responds the peace-filled thought once again. It continues, "We are looking at you looking at yourself. For questioning everything that you value, every thought or image that you hold dear, helps you recognize your own true freedom. Your own perception IS the world in which you see. But your own true perception and beingness is far beyond idol images and attachments. It will not come easily and fear will spur you deeper than you ever knew. Now we call attention to its threats, rather than appease. You are more than you know. But, in hiding behind fears, the true perception is veiled. You cannot truly lose anything -- only that which never was from the beginning. Rest on this."

And so I breath in once more and center on these words:

"Nothing I see means anything, I am more than I know."

A Course In Miracles

2006-01-01T10:35:00.000-08:00

For those of you whom are not already aware, I am an active student of a spiritual self-study program entitled A Course In Miracles. There are many well-known self-help authors and celebrities whom have studies The Course and feel that it's knowledge has inspired them in their own understanding of the world and Self. I was introduced to the Course, solely by "accident" several years ago and have kept it mainly a part of my private life until this past year. I don't often feel the need to prostheletize, as growing up Jewish was often on the recieving end of many insensitive comments as people felt the need to "save me." Still, I believe that one's faith and beliefs are very much a private matter. Something that is for them to help only their own mind understand to and relate to itself. Whether you invest in a Higher Mind (God, Buddha, Jesus, Krishna, Allah...) is up to you, and should not be forced upon you or judged by anyone. It is all about our own search for meaning and peace, which to impede with fear only makes the experience less than its true purpose.

For this new year (2006) I've decided to begin posting thoughts on A Course In Miracles and my own personal meditations. Why? Because I want to. I feel no need to inspire or preach to or even encourage anyone else other than myself. If you feel any of the above, that is all from your own mind.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Course, it is divided into three essential sections. The text which is the backbone of its theological content, The Lessons which are used to guide one's daily use of the materials learned, and The Teacher's Manual, which helps the student take a step further in their own knowledge of their self.

For this new year, I will mainly focus on the lessons. There are 365, each tailored for one day of personal study. Each introducing an idea which can help you set your mind free of previously limiting boundaries. Like I said, all is within your own perception.

Lesson one and my comments on it will follow this blog entry, in addition there is a link on the side of this blog to the daily lessons and text. If you'd like to read more about the Course, I suggest you go there, because even in my own experience it is only a microspect that which I can do it true justice.

What Do You Do?

2005-11-29T04:58:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that, in adulthood, one's career is used as a significant marker for judgment. Often when I find myself in a social function the following three questions make up the typical greeting:

1. Hi, what's your name?
2. Where are you from?
3. What do you do for a living?

The initial two questions are understandable for proper interraction, but the third is used almost solely as a judgmental evaluation of one's personal worth, education and status in life. Is it not true that if someone were to respond with doctor, lawyer, CEO or Astrophysicist our respect and interest in them would heighten? But if they were to respond Construction worker, Day Laborer, data processor or unemployed our responses would indeed change. We would probably assume that if the career was more prestigious the person would be more educated and deserving more respect or interest.

Personally as a Recreation Therapist I've come to realize most people are confused when they meet me. Most people have no clue what a Recreation Therapist is or does, let alone my level of education and social status. Usually the "what do you do," question is followed by an inquisitive look and "really?! What is that?" This then requires me to break out into my usual speech of, "I work in a hospital assisting individuals with their rehabilitation within social systems, such as stress management, anger management, leisure skills building, sensory stimulation and community integration. Currently I work specifically with substance abuse and psychiatric clients on an inpatient unit." Which of course is then responded with, "You work with crazy people??! In an institution??!" Sighhhhhh~

Recently I've become sick of giving my speech. I've tried to shorten it as well as make it more to the point, but still few know or care what my chosen career accomplishes.

This is why I've decided to change my responses. I've found increased humor and sociological value in my new responses, which only helps me to enjoy the moment rather than be concerned with the person's judgment and status evaluation. It is essential that all responses are given with a completely straight-face, only then are you able to make them wonder if you're telling the truth or taking them for a ride. Thus resulting in a successful study of the human psyche.

The next time you are at a cocktail party and feeling completely bored with other's innane conversation, try a few of these career responses on for size, and let the sociological studies commence.

1. Astrobotanist -- studies plants on other planets.
2. Toaster tester / technician -- adjusts heat coils for the appropriately desired burn.
3. Small mammal / rodent trainer -- helps hamsters learn the ways of the wheel.
4. Macropopulus sociologist -- studies crowds.
5. Interrogation model -- works in training with the FBI / CIA to help them hon their skills.
6. Entymological arbitration specialist -- "The Bug Whisperer" provides non-violent means for vacating bugs from your home or office. Speaks their language, encourages them to leave.
7. Vehicular Zoological Pathologist -- autopsies roadkill, designates roads safer for animals crossing.
8. Professional Fantasy Sports Referee -- works with fantasy sports players making sure they pretend to play fair.
9. Browsologist -- professional window shopper or studies to art of browsing.
10. Poultry Style Chorographer -- Helps train others in perfecting the Chicken Dance.

The Monster In Me

2005-09-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

I've gained a new perspective, in deed I am my own worst enemy. I say this clearly and with much deep insight, because there is no way to any longer deny the truth.
I am not a victim of the world. I am not controlled by anyone else. I create my own experience, through my own perceptions, all ways and always.

This point of inner-view can appear frightening. It seems to be much more comforting if I were to blame all the other people in my life for crapping me over. If I chose to blame someone it would make me free and clear. No longer would I have to worry about my own thoughts or actions, I would just wear my "I am a victim" t-shirt through life waiting for the next person to create more drama for me. Yet, although this may be personally freeing of all responsibility, it would also be personally miserable. Is there anyone that really truly enjoys being a victim?? Victims only stay feeling angry, hurt and used. They are afraid to move forward, for the world's suffering weighs them down.

Yet, in taking active responsibility for my suffering, in being able to recognize that I am in control, I choose to take an active role in my life experience. I choose to stay in control and give myself ample opportunities to feel better than what I may be providing for myself in the moment. I am actively choosing to go from a state of "wrong-mindedness" to "right-mindedness." And only "right-mindedness" gives me further opportunities to re-think, re-feel and re-do.

Take this example: Today decided to go drop off a few cheques in the bank. After doing the ATM dance I received a receipt which stated I had A LOT less money than I was under the assumption was available. Instantly my wrong-minded inner monster sprang to life. Although quietly I walked to my car, for the drive home, my inner monster was running. He was running fearfully conjuring every possible scenario for personal torture. "How can this be?" I thought. "This is horrible!" "Could someone have broke into my account and stolen my money?" "This is really horrible!!!" "Maybe the last time I used my ATM card someone did some technical wonderment and has been stealing cash without my knowledge!" "This is really REALLY horrible!!" "I must get home as fast as possible to check my account online! I must go NOW!!!!" "What am I going to do???!" "Maybe someone has been stealing money for months and I've never noticed it... what will I do? How can I stop this??!" "Maybe the bank took double my mortgage payment accidentally, are they open on weekends??" "This is really really REALLY horrible!!!" And my mind continued to churn and churn and churn.

Suddenly every pause in traffic seemed to take forever. I felt as if I had to get home immediately, I had to find out the answers. My breathing was getting more rapid and my stomach was tighter than ever. My pulse was noticeable quicker and I felt uncomfortable. A Course in Miracles teaches that "There are no small upsets, everything is equally disturbing to my peace of mind," and this was quite the current experience. My mind was off and I was giving it full throttle for my lack of peace.

Yet while this was going on, something else was also present, an inner awareness of the process. It was as if some part of me, a calmer, more reserved part, was sitting back in a lounge chair and observing the whole drama, drinking margaritas and musing on the silliness of it all. This "other" part of me was calm and peaceful. Breathing and stating to the other part, "relax, you are okay." As the more active part of my mind raced, the calmer part of my mind kept steady and spoke with wisdom. It told me that nothing is really going on here other than useless mind chatter. There was nothing that being upset right now could do for me. There was nothing that was helpful in my creating drama over a situation rooted in illusion. Quietly I began to pay more attention to the "other" side of my mind and evaluate the its calm.

I asked myself some questions which "The Work" of Byron Katie created. First, I asked, "Is it true??" Well, my immediate answer was, "no." It's not true. The only thing I knew was true at the time was that the numbers on the receipt stated an amount of money lower than what I had expected to see. When it came to truth, I really had no idea what was true, and why the numbers were what they were. All the ideas which created and fueled my fear were based on falsehood. That realization alone suddenly turned the tables on my inner monster. As much as my inner monster tried to catch up with more mind tricks, I simply asked again, "IS IT TRUE??" I could no longer deny the truth. I was the one who was creating the fear. I was the one who was creating the fear out of nothing!

Suddenly, as if an electrical impulse went off in my brain, I froze and realized I had a different choice. I could change my thinking. I could ally with my "right-mind" rather than "the monster." And so with a deep breath and a pointed determination, I told my inner monster to fuck off. Instead of picturing all the potential worries and fears, I pictured myself taking a big fat boot to the inner monsters butt.

And then I was peaceful.

Later on, after arriving home, I took a few moments to play with the neighborhood kids instead of running immediately inside to check my bank statement. I took some time to enjoy myself because I now knew that I had a different choice. Eventually I did check my statement and realized (in case you want to know) that indeed I was too responsible for the lack of money. Apparently an outrageous VISA bill, teamed up with my mortgage, car insurance and utilities bills all at once, inbetween the weeks of pay. I got milked simply by poor timing. The money would return and I would be okay.

But somewhere within me, I had already decided that and knew peace.

People Love a Good Panic...

2005-09-04T22:45:00.000-07:00

Yes it's true.. all you have to do is look around in the world right now to see how much people respond to panic. Panic can be seen as the world's best motivator. Heck, if you are selling or want someone to pay attention, make a panic or create a fear around it and wham! people jump to attention. Fear makes people pay attention, and that is why the media uses it as their life's blood. Take a moment to look at every human drama in the past 15 years and you'll notice how the media thrives on fear. Every image repeated to the world is used to induce a deeper fear. Deep fear is used to either create self-depreciation or anxiety towards the outside world which will suck us further into the drama of suffering. Essentially, although your fearful mind will argue this point, there is no positive outcome from fear.

Take for instance this past Friday. Here in Maryland people were trying as best they could to accept the rise gas prices. For myself, I find it difficult (mostly because I'll be increasing my travel 4 fold with a new internship I'll be starting this week) but realized it was more than reasonable in comparison to what the people of the Gulf were putting up with. But around 2:00pm on Friday a "rumor" came across the airwaves that all gas stations in Maryland would be closing at 4pm and would remain closed until Tuesday (so they could restock or organize a new way for people to use their services).

Well.. heck, you would think someone had announced the Armageddon! People at work started running about like Chicken Little. Suddenly they were all concerned and afraid of "what would they do?" "How could they do this to us??!" "This is horrible!!" They were afraid that since they had no way of leaving work to go get gas, they would suffer or never have gasoline again. I stood there and watched the panic in awe. I watched as their minds convinced them of fear's benefits and how suffering was in deed the outcome.

Word from the outside was that suddenly people were cramming gas stations and in rather rude and/or dangerous ways trying to get the last bit of gas available. Some were driving off without paying. A couple of stories came in about fights at the gas pumps from people "cutting in line" or "taking too long." People were obviously afraid that there wouldn't be enough for them and that it was "every man for themselves." Unfortunately gas station anarchy was in full swing.

Human behavior is very fascinating when observed from an outside perspective. My outside perspective was:
1) It would be completely illogical for all the gas stations in Maryland to close for the weekend.
2) Even if the gas stations started to limit their release (similar to what happened in the 1970's) we would survive. Life would not end without gasoline, but it could be more uncomfortable. Yet this discomfort would not stop the world from functioning.
3) I had no choice as to what would happen. I had no control over the gasoline, but had control over my thoughts about the situation.
4) I'd survive either way.
5) I had a full tank of gas already, which would get me through the weekend in the worst case. :-)

So there I stood feeling peaceful, watching the drama all the while knowing that I felt fine amongst the panic. That, within itself, was a bit of an epiphany.

I've always aligned with the belief that it is not the world which creates your stress, but an individiual's perspective of it. To be fully engaged in the belief that the world is in charge of your feelings is a waste of time, and only brings pain. In fact, what to I get if I hold onto the belief that the world is scary and I should be afraid? Do I not get only pain and suffering? So is there a better choice? Is there a more rational choice which can bring a more peaceful result?

In case you are still attached to the need to panic or be a victim to a fearful way of thinking, feel free to hold onto your fear, hold onto your pain and drama. You have that right!

Meanwhile, in case you need a new panic, I've decided to start the following:

Since gasoline is not the only by product of oil refinement, from now until further notice, people will only be able to buy plastic products if all their birth year, month and date ends in prime numbers. If your birth date does not end in prime numbers you will have to rely on plastics underground market. Too bad! Outside of the prime number system, all production will immediately cease on the following products: dixie cups, band-aids, condoms, sporks and gum ball machine toys.

Now, for those of you who now feel the need to have these items.. let the panic begin! Quick, run to your local pharmacy and stock up on all the condoms and band-aids you can before it's too late! While you are out, run and get as many sporks as possible before the others find out! Hold your neighbor accountable for hoarding! Compete and battle your fellow Americans to be the last dixie cup and gum ball machine toy possessor. It is your American right to have it all!

Can you see how ridiculous this all is??? Can you see how useless all this panic and fear thinking is?? Possibly there is another way of seeing things... possibly there is another way....

On turning 34...

2005-08-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

This being the eve of my 34th birthday I've been reflecting upon the past year. I recall last year's post on being 33 and how excited I felt, it was an age where I hoped to accomplish so much. I wrote about finally finishing a book, receiving my master's degree and feeling more self satisfied with life in general. Well... it didn't all go according to plan.

Don't get me wrong, I feel as if I lived a positive year. There were no significant dramas, no personal illness or injury and life chugged along. I feel like I had many opportunities to touch others and I met a few goals which surprised me. But too, there was no book, no degree and only an average amount of self-satisfaction. As I look forward into the year ahead, I do have a few more irons in the fire of accomplishment, but I also feel a bit let down that 33 is over. I wish that I would have done more, felt more, been more. Oddly enough some part of me wishes to stay behind. Yet alas, that cannot be.

All in all I can see how I'm able to have two different attitudes about this birthday:

Option One: I can accept my now arrived adulthood with a surrender to maturity and choose to pass my dreams into the fading fairytales of my youth. I don't have to give up all together, but I can redirect my mind to a reality which lives more in the grounded world. I can accept life's tragedies and choose to just survive "doing time." Here I settle down into a life without as much fanfare as my vivid imagination hoped.

Or

Option Two: I can choose to continue to dream, yearn and express the most youthful hopeful part of me. I can be in the moment now, but still keep a pulse for what surprises lay ahead for me. I don't give in or surrender. I choose to embrace all of life, seeing beyond any tragedies without fear. Choosing that there is nothing to fear. Happy here AND enthusiastic about where ever I may be next. Believing that it is not what you do, but how you do it, which gives life a full expression of joy.

I'm not exactly sure where my feet need to stand. I would think that Option One would be the most "adult" and appropriate, yet it also leaves the child within me crying. I wonder if all people reach this crossroads. I fear the majority choose to mature. The Option One part of myself says I should stop kidding myself and just accept reality for what it is. Not too special, just living and surviving. The next step is to just settle in, accept life's flaws and just be adult about it. Yet the Option Two part of my gives raspberries to Option One and wants to continue to happily dance like no one is watching, swing on a playground at midnight, express my inner spirit and create abundantly.

I guess you'll all just have to tune in regularly to see who wins...

Going on Hiatus...

2005-08-22T16:00:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I posted on here and the summer has been rolling by! The signs of summer's demise are on the horizon, as my birthday is Monday and a new semester is about to start. Which reminds me, I'll be going on hiatus.

Here's the deal, I'm starting a 6-month internship for my final graduate school requirement. In order to complete this requirement I'll have to squeeze it in after work, which will leave my weekly schedule as such:

Monday: On the road by 6:30am (to leave time to sit in traffic) Attend meeting with internship supervisor from 8am - 12:30pm. Work at real (paying job) from 1pm - 9pm. Drive home.

Tuesday: Work real paying job from 8:30a - 5pm. Internship 6pm - 9pm. Drive 45 min. home.

Wednesday: See Above.

Thursday: See Above... above.

Friday: Work real job normal hours (or stay late to make up work from days previous).

Saturday: Collapse and sleep.

Sunday: Lay in bed wide-eyed, twitching and realizing that this pattern will continue for another 6 MONTHS!!!!

So... as you can see my time to sit and ramble about the average goings-on of life and humanity will be limited. But I won't forget about you all.

This past summer I wrote limitedly because I really wanted to enjoy my summer freedom. As the internship progresses I may want to share some interesting thoughts with you all. I can't guarantee when or where I will write, but keep checking in every month, you never know what you may find.

In Search of Mr. Right...

2005-08-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

Hey! The Baltimore Sun did a mini-feature on my single life! Check it out at:

In Search of Mr. Right, She Found Herself

This article came about when The Baltimore Sun placed an ad seeking feedback from local women who participate in online dating.

I, being one, knew I had to respond, but with my usual tongue firmly placed in cheek sardonic wit. So I wrote a length diatribe about the frustrations and disillusionment of internet dating (as well as the dating industry). Well turns out I hit the jackpot because my response was highly enjoyed by multiple Balt. sun editors who chose me to be featured. They included some of my article ideas, but mostly took information gathered from a 45 minute phone interview.

Additionally they sent a photographer to my work place and we did a pleasing photo-session, including a few shots which will gladly be kept just between the photographer and me. But think Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition mockery. :-)

All in all my opinions about internet dating (and the dating industry) remain the same. If you are in search of someone to complete you, you'll forever be seeking. No body outside of your self can complete you. Each of us was born fully capable of being perfectly happy and fulfilled, we just have to discover it ourselves. Healthy relationships are made up of people who are genuinely happy with themselves, not searchers who hope to feel needed or have their needs met by another.

Although I fell for the fairy-tale as a child, now I've come to learn that I don't need to be rescued. My knight in shining armor turned to cardboard in the rain, and I was left with the knowledge that real men have flaws! But there is nothing wrong with that... or me for that matter. Flaws are a part of life, and each of us has to work through our own. Although I'd rather have someone who has nearly absolved themselves of their own baggage, I know that to expect someone to be perfect is far from realistic. Real relationships take work and they will have moments of frustration as well as fortune.

I don't intend to sit around and wait for my Prince to come. Instead I intend to be happy with who I am, live my life as someone who is happy with what I do have, instead of longing for some soul-mate to whisk me away. I intend to strive to fulfill my dreams daily, rather than wait for someone else to do it for me. I will find appreciation and acceptance for my physical appearance, personality and self, rather than hope for someone else to define or accept me.

In other words I choose to LOVE what I already have rather than mourn for what I do not yet possess.

As Gary Renard states in The Disappearance of the Universe (a great book by the way) "Why don't you stop worrying about whether or not people love you and just love them [and yourself]? Then it doesn't matter what they think about you. You can just be love. It's so simple! And guess what? It will ultimately determine how you feel about yourself!" (p. 296)

So right now, I don't know if there is a supposed "Mr. Right" for me, but I can tell you one thing, for now, I am proud to be right here, right now and right for myself!

A Mouth Full of Cowboy

2005-06-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

I just came from the BEST concert I've been too in a realllly (notice the 4 l's) long time!! All I can say is that you have got to check out this band, Cowboy Mouth, as not only is their music top notch but the lead singer (and all about crazy man) Fred LeBlanc really knows how to entertain (he licked me... NO KIDDING!). I've been listening to their stuff for awhile, but they are pretty much unknown in the grand scheme of bands, with much of an intimate gathering of fans who adore them (similar to how Dave Matthews Band and B.N.L got started). I give them a few years (with a good PR team) and they'll be performing at the Grammys. They performed at Rams Head Live one of the best new concert venues of Baltimore (and their third installation of great restaurants / concert venues for Maryland). All their bars are small venues, which provide great food and drinks along with great music. They keep the ticket prices reasonable and the set-up the viewing areas with three equally accessible levels and general admission. You can't find a bad viewing place (unless you get there really late and you have to crawl to the floor for some reason).

So anyway, back to the band. They are loud, funny, bouncin' and keep the beat going the entire show. Fred LeBlanc is the ringmaster, as lead singer and drummer. His rampant enthusiasm to get the audience involved cannot be ignored unless you've been mixing some valiums and xanax. They played most of my favorites (but I can't think of even one song where they miss -- although the short french quips inbetween songs on a couple of cds are a bit bizarre). There are no slow songs and every note has you either jumping, clapping or swaying. They don't just stand back and play their songs, they get you into their songs, and keep you there.

For this concert, I stood center front, resting on the stage. They kept encouraging people to come closer, clap and jump around, keeping it lively for a Sunday night. My ears are STILL ringing, but when I get my hearing back, I intend to listen to their newest cd "Live At the Zoo," which supposedly is a live version of a fundraiser done for the Lincoln Park Zoo. The band is also fortified financially by Southern Comfort (possibly there is some tie between their Southern Louisiana roots), but promotional butt kissing aside (as Southern Comfort is vandalized onto every piece of equipment), they still put on a fabulous show.

For those of you who are familiar with my career, two songs (Let It Go and Easy) have been used within my music therapy group programs to help people connect that they are not alone in their experiences of depression. The lyrics of these songs both speak to embracing the positive point of view of life and to get on with the good stuff, rather than bitch about anything else. I completely agree, as I've often quipped how my theoretical nature is one of "K.A.T" or "Kick Ass Therapy," stop whining and complaining about victimization, give yourself a good kick in the ass and move on. What other choice keeps you feeling like living?

So if I could give a plug to Cowboy Mouth and Rams Head Live with thanks for finishing off this Sunday into one freaking good time (I started the day with a fabulous kayaking trip around Havre De Grace), it was one of the best days I've had this year. Do them both a favor for me, check out their music, and embrace for yourself all the fun they have to offer.

Naked Chatter

2005-06-24T08:12:00.000-07:00

I've discovered a part of social experience limited solely to the female gender culture. Dressing Room Banter. Recently I've been shopping for some new summer clothes and each time I go into the fitting room to test drive my gatherings I end up being privy to someone stranger's (or group of strangers) conversation. Some of them have gone like this:

(Me: Hiding in dressing room, trying to awkwardly lift a dress which should fit me over my head, forgetting the zipper is still up.)

Unknown Girl 1: Hey... yeah.. is my butt really that big???
Unknown Girl 2: Yeah. But that suit doesn't look too bad. Your top looks okay.
Unknown Girl 1: Okay... sure ... but look at my ass!!!
Unknown Girl 2: Yeah. But Joe will like it.
Unknown Girl 1: Yeah... he will... (laughs)

Another conversation a few dressing stalls down goes like this:

Unknown Teen 1: I think these fit. I like them.
Unknown Woman (could be mother): What size are they? Size 1?
Unknown Teen 1: No twos.
Unknown Woman: Twos? Really?! Hm.

[as if she has just discovered that her already 300 lb. daughter has doubled in size]

Me: (gazes at myself, not a size one or two) Hm. (briefly feels for girl who will be anorexic)

Unknown Woman: I'm normally a size two... but lately I'm glad I've kept my fours around. I never would have thought I needed them... but as people get older sometimes things shift.

Unknown Teen: But your still really cute looking.

Unknown Woman: Yeah... size four isn't bad. I still look great.

Me: (making puking gagging faces in mirror)

The funnier scenarios are the ones which usually involve small children. You can over hear the mother trying to balance child control with zipper control.

Mother: No... No... Honey.. Come on... No stop that. Sit still. Just for a minute Mom will be done soon.
Kid: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Weee!
Mother: Come back here! No. Stop that. Sweety, Mommy needs that. Here...
(silent pause)
Mother: Courtney... no... you're pulling all the cards out of Mom's wallet.. stop that... give me that.
Kid: Ahhhhhhhhhh.
Mother: Courtney... (heavy sigh)

Of course it's during these moments that I want to run out and have a brood. (Hell no!!)

Overall I've learned quite a few things while experiencing the fitting room chit chat. I've learned things about people I've never known, and others whom I will never meet. I've heard stories about boyfriends, neighbors, friends and enemies. I've heard numerous descriptions of stranger's body parts, both satisfactory and unsatisfactory.

But most of all I've learned that I'm far from alone in the amount of self-depreciation I'm guilty of, it appears that the fitting room is the hidden zone of self-depreciation, where ever inch, pinch and fat roll is scrutinized.

Gosh.. ain't it great to be a woman!!?

Top Ten Qualities I Want in A Mate

2005-06-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

In purusing the People magazine issue of 50 Hottest Bachelors 2005 (which was engaging enough for the grocery Express line, but not for actual purchase), I began pondering what measurement this scale was rated on. Are these just the most popular or well-known males of our land or did someone actually take these folks for a test-drive?? Does anyone know if there are specific reasons why these men are STILL bachelors even though most are quite physically attractive? Do they have secret traits which can irritate the most open-minded girlfriend? Do they consider quality women to be super models who give good blowjobs? Or do they prefer the company of a mirror or their bank account to another individual? Do they pollute the bathroom with noxious toxins, flush once and leave a corner of paper on the roll for the next occupant? Do they talk on and on and on about their old girlfriends and how they don't know why it didn't work out? Is their idea of monogamy sticking to just one section of their little black book at a time? Would they rather play with themselves than you?

Did anyone from People go to these gentleman's homes to see if they had a sorting pile of clothes labeled "not so smelly -- wait 24 hours", "smelly -- wait 2 days" and "noxious -- call CDC!? Do they request you try the sea-urchin sushi just to laugh at your misery (actual real life event!)? Did anyone do the Snore Resonance Test? Or the TV IQ Depreciation Test? Did anyone check to see if they have more hair on their backs than their heads? How do we know if these guys are emotionally balanced and don't spend their evenings curled in a ball crying about their mommies? I want answers!!! Someone show me the research!

Let's be honest, most traits significant to relationship longevity are undetectable to the eye of the outsider or casual observer. I've learned that it takes a minimum of 5 MONTHS of dating before the mask comes off and the scratching of genitals on the couch begins! I can't imagine that someone could possibly be considered to be "hottest" or "most eligible" without investigating these most important traits like ambition, intelligence and whether they're obsessed with dreams about their dead cat, toenails and chapstick (another true to life adventure)!!!

In pondering my own experiences with surprise dating discoveries, I've decided to create a Asian menu style of characteristics I'm in search of. Feel free to pick 10 items from either column A or B to create your most eligible bachelor. If you resemble any combination of qualities on this list, I'll personally vandalize next issue of People I see (well, I'd probably do that anyway)!!!

Column A (Personality Traits)

Communicative (NOT talkative -- I want quality communication, not a disclaimer announcer)
On A Quest for Self Actualization (see heirarchy of needs chapter in Psych 101 text)
Honest (with self and others -- but you can tell me my butt doesn't look big in those jeans)
Intelligent (may prefer to watch the Discovery Times Channel or read from time to time)
Appreciative of Art / Creativity (enthusiasts of bizarre installations including fecal matter, ketchup stains and squirrel fingerprints, may need further discussion)
Open Minded (not necessarily to sex requiring ropes, monkeys or peanut butter, but willing to see another's point of view -- although ropes and peanut butter can be discussed further)
Sense of Humor (enjoys a girl who appreciates South Park, Dead Like Me and Kids in the Hall reruns)
Ambitious (doesn't need a path of sticky notes to figure the toilet paper roll needs changing)
No Head Cases (spends less time curled in a fetal position, crying about his childhood of abandonment)
Satisfied (isn't in search of completion or validation from the external world, but can find happiness in being alone)

Column B (Physical or Material traits)

Physically Attractive to Me (I prefer less body hair, more meat than a stickman and height above 6 feet)
Financially Stable (don't count on me to balance your checkbook)
Professional (I prefer someone with a solid career rather than a fly by night Peter Pan)
College-Educated (Masters preferred, Bachelors okay, but if all you can remember from college is the amount of kegs you downed, uhm... it won't work)
Present Oriented (I don't want to hear endless rants about your ex-girlfriends!)
Conversationalist (I like someone interesting but I prefer less stories starting with "one time in band camp...")
Animal-Lover (I'm not talking about spanking the monkey, Raiding the Sheep or Doggie style, but I do have 3 cats who need to approve of you)
Healthy (I'm not your mommy, nurse, doctor or therapist! I won't help you hide your stash!)
Outdoor Enthusiast (someone who doesn't scream from bugs or dirt; enjoys camping, hiking and/or kayaking, but no lumberjacks or ultimate survivalists need apply)
Independent (I don't need an extra appendage or stalker)
Genuine (don't be who you think I want you to be, ask me first :-) )

So what's so bad about that???? I'll just sit back now and wait for all eligible bachelors to apply forthwith!

Smitty's newest adventures

2005-06-20T19:52:00.000-07:00

For those of you who recall my past adventures as Smitty (the anonymous societal observer), I decided to honor my ultra-ego by bestowing the name upon my kayak.

I own a recreational 9.5 foot Zydeco kayak by Dagger, that I highly enjoy. Within the last few years I've developed an affinity for kayaking as a great sport, and although still just recreational in nature, I've tried to take on as much as a class two rapids. Until the purchase of my new Dagger kayak I owned a Coleman inflatable sit-on-top, respectively christened "Fred the Float-A-Boat." Fred had several battles with local waters (having to be patched a couple of times in his early voyages), eventually leading to his retirement when my friend Jesse accidentally split his paddle in two. Smitty has now become his replacement.

This past weekend Smitty and I took on the Paddle for the Cure to raise money for treatment / research of Breast Cancer. Along with hundreds of other kayak enthusiasts we raised $20,000 for the cause. I paddled 7 miles for the occassion (within 3 hours) and enjoyed more paddling afterwards. It was a mildly exhausting day, but for a very good cause. A few people approached commenting on how Smitty was an unusual name, but I fessed up stating that it really wasn't my name... but the boat's. Sometimes it is too difficult to explain a private joke when people are just making small talk... I doubt they would have gotten the bizarre sense of humor attached anyway. :-)

I'm trying to think of another scenario in which I can make use of my alter-ego. What do you think of "Smitty Goes to a Titty Bar" or "Smitty Goes to Bingo World"... as for now it is "Smitty, Sea-Captain of the Chesapeake Tidal Basin." If you have any better ideas drop me a line.

Lesson for Today...

2005-06-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

The lesson for today was a reminder that I should never give anyone the power over my emotions or satisfaction with myself. I've learned that when you expect someone else to fulfill you, you usually end up disappointed. I don't mean this to be cynical, truly it is because we each set ourselves up in an endless chase of misplaced power. No one will ever give us the level of personal satisfaction we long for, especially while we continue to deny ourselves.

I can go into significant details but I'm also working on the personal growth measure of being detached from the past.

In a quick synopsis I will say that one recent incident was when I received my annual evaluation from my supervisor. As expected (but not hoped for) the majority of the positive characteristics (over time, team support, great patient committment...) was over-looked, unrecognized or minimally appreciated. Basically I was told that my overall performance is improving and that I'm above average. Maybe I'm just seeking perfection, but I do think that with all the work I put in, I'm far better than just "above average." It also feels like my supervisor is extra-hard on me, and that there is a bit of friend-nepotism going on. But maybe that is just my ego defensiveness. Needless to say, I couldn't control the reaction I had hoped for and felt betrayed. I tried to enter the evaluation with the idea that this is not a measure of me as an individual, that way I don't take it personally, but that still remains a struggle to hold on to.

Secondly I planned a peer recognition day at work today and after putting much planning and personal investment in it got very little in return. I received only a few "thank you" comments, yet was met mostly by blank faces. My supervisors and half the people I was honoring didn't even take the time to show up! BUT... although I was angry at first I talked myself back into acceptance. I know I didn't plan the event just to get thanks in return. Sure it would have been nice to get more recognition and appreciation, but why do I set myself up in the chase for that rather than recognizing and appreciating myself?

Bottom line is, you can't control anyone, so to make expectations that will most likely be out of your control is completely unrealistic and usually self-depreciating. Who the hell wants that??!

I'm working on letting go of my own frustrations with both of these experiences. Most of the letting go will be with recognizing the chase for empty appreciation. It is not other people who define or measure me, I am good enough without their recognition. Indeed I'd rather be happy than right! If I invest time and emotions into something that essentially means nothing, I'm often left feeling like nothing and there is no reward in that.

You ever notice that the word "nowhere" breaks down into the words "now" and "here." If I invest too much of myself and personal meaning into being only now and here (in an imperfect world with only superficial pleasures), indeed I am really overlooking the true value and leading myself nowhere.

Just a thought..

Sorry folks (for anyone who actually reads this..)

2005-06-14T04:47:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to post an update on my life. I've been real busy with enjoying this lovely late Spring, early Summer weather and am trying to limit the amount of time I'm indoors.

One of my loves is outdoor activities (mostly hiking, kayaking and nature photography) so when I haven't been working I've been out enjoying all that the world has to offer.

This means that my blog will significantly be lacking entries for the next few months. One rainy day I'll wander back here and make up some of the thoughts that I've been kicking around in my head.

I encourage everyone to go out and enjoy this beautiful weather! Let the earth be your playground~

The Wandering Russian

2005-05-28T12:07:00.000-07:00

Today, while on an early morning drive to my parents house, I passed an elderly woman walking along the side of the road in her night dress and housecoat. Being someone who as a rather attuned visual acuity, I noticed right away that something was wrong with this picture. Now the development in which I live often has active people walking or jogging about, especially on the main roads, but my mind told me (mainly because of the inappropriate outdoor attire) that something was askew. I decided I had to stop and find out what was up.

As I was turning around and approaching her I thought to myself if I was really just being nosey. This was quite a busy residential road and if something was wrong, a person people probably would have stopped by now. I figured she probably will tell me all was okay and I would drive off. But she didn't. On pulling over in front of her and inquiring, I was answered back in Russian. She waved her arms up in the air and spoke confusingly, but did mention "no english, russian." I tried the best I could to convey my thoughts, "are you okay?" "do you need a ride?"

She responded: "no english... russian..." She then started to pace around my car.

I stood there unsure what to do. I opened my car door and offered her a seat. Again I tried to talk to her, using overblown hand gestures. "Have a seat." "Where do you live?"

She responded rapidly in Russian. Occassionally she would say an english word... "baby... two... no english... russian" but I still didn't know what to do. She began to hold her hand to her head and her heart, as if she wasn't feeling well. Then I decided to call 911.

911 responded by passing me off to the State Troopers. I described the woman, where I was located and the situation to the State Trooper dispatch and was told that an officer would respond in a few minutes to help out. I stood and waited.

The woman continued to talk to me in Russian. I considered calling my friend who had recently returned from a trip to Russia, but being that it was 7:45am, I didn't know if it would be okay to awake him with no guarantee he could help.

The woman continued to pace and then made gestures towards the other side of the road, as if wanting to cross. I tried to stop her and she hugged me. While hugging me, she stroked my back, and continued to speak in Russian. I hoped that the trooper would arrive soon.

About 15 minutes had gone by without an officer arriving. Good thing no one is dying! What was taking them so long??? Soon the woman continued to pull away, trying to go across the street, traffic stopped and let us cross... I guess they also could tell that this was not a normal situation. I left my car and followed her as she walked into the bushes and arrived at the backyard of a townhome. The back door was left ajar.

She walked in.

I stayed and watched her, it appeared that no one else was in the home. I didn't see anyone else in the windows or movement inside. I hoped that this indeed was her home, and that she didn't just walk into a strange home with the possibility of getting assaulted.

20 minutes had now passed and I walked back to the main road, looking for the officer. Nope, not there. I called 911 again and explained that I had called and what the situation now was. I again was told that an officer would be there "within minutes."

Now I began to pace. The home that the woman had walked in was within eye shot of the main road so I continued to walk between them. The door was still ajar, but now there was no sight of the woman.

Finally the trooper arrived, 25 minutes after my original call (again.. thank goodness no one was dying). I explained to him the situation and he followed me to the townhome.

Together we walked inside and found the woman sitting down in a sparse townhome. He announced his presence and inquired if anyone else was in the home. Suddenly the voices of two small children came from upstairs.

Eventually it turned out that the confused woman was the children's grandmother, who was left to care for them while their mom was at work. The oldest child (1o) explained the situation (the grandmom didn't speak english, and they were left to watch eachother). The officer explained that the woman was found wandering on the main road and inquired if the mother could be contacted by cell phone. Luckily she could, and the officer took it from there.

I decided to leave. I was glad that things would be handled. He would help the kids, contact the mother who would hopefully be able to find a better arrangement for child or elder care.

On walking back to my car, I gave a thought of appreciation to the thought that got me to stop. I wondered what would have happened if I hadn't, but my mind did not feel comfortable going there.

All in all I'm glad that things worked out. And feel that today's good samaritan adventure will hopefully lead to a better situation for all involved.

What the !Bleep!...

2005-05-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

Just finished watching quite a fascinating movie entitle "What The Bleep Do We Know?!" which I found really interesting. To summarize the movie, it compares and delves into the worlds of spirituality and quantum physics. To summarize suscinctly, we know nothing. The movie interviews multiple well-educated, multi-published authors / writers / scientists whom discuss how the mind's workings are for the most part unknown. When it comes right down to it, we are our thoughts and nothing much else. We are our perception of the world, and our world becomes a perceptions of us.

I've often thought this way, and it was nice to see some intellectual backbone for what others have called my "Oxygen channel, tree-hugging, point of view." (Haven't let that one go yet, Wes~) :-) But in this movie, we see how the brain's biology is based on the neural electric system, where no physical matter touches any other physical matter. In other words, our physical matter is very much NON-physical! Using some rather fascinating graphics, animation and a bizarre sense of humor woven into the scientific theory, the movie is oddly entertaining. I'll give it a thumbs up~

The rest of my weekend was spent creating my own reality in my backyard. My brain sent many peptide-based messages directing the muscles of the psuedo-physical body to mow, weed, clear land, till soil, haul more soil, pour rocks, pile bricks, plant, balance and create a new environment. I created a new food garden (and I say food, because I experimented with fruits as well as herbs and vegetables this year). I'll let you know if I win the blue ribbon for "Watermellon Cultivation Within A 4-foot Garden Space," but something tells me that they don't often reward this task.

I created (with my neighbors suggestion) a new use for the old pond space. My new large container garden, will host different herbs and plants. I balanced the large plastic pond mold on bricks and drilled several holes in its floor for drainage. In addition I lined the bottom with large stones (left over from the former pond experiment) for further soil drainage and root space. Atop that I added several bags of soil and mixed in miracle grow. Additionally I surrounded the new space with liner bricks (5 layers high -- approximately 50 bricks methodically placed) and sealed with epoxy.

Inside the space (between the plastic pond mold and retaining wall) I filled several cubic feet of pine mulch and topped it all off with pinkish pea gravel. On either side I planted some minature roses and planted some ivy behind. I figure that once those start to grow it will create a nice dramatic effect climbing the fence behind. Finally I plan on purchasing a nice sculpture to place behind the whole creation. Although I haven't planted all the herbs yet (only have Basil and catnip currently) I intend to plant lavender, rosemary, peppermint and thyme. I'm also considering strawberries. All in all this will be an enjoyable summer project with a nice residual for my living space.

So my body now is resting from a weekend of heavy hauling and creating. I find myself thriving through the art of creation, it is both a life breath and spirit driven, an ultimate inner expression poised outward. But you wouldn't get that unless you watched What The Bleep...

Confessions of a Jealous Mind

2005-05-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

I submit this post as a venting of my ego. I feel a inner frustration and guilt as I write these words, because a part of me knows better than the feelings I'm experiencing.

Basically it comes down to me being jealous. I will not go into specific details but there is a person who is in my life (as an acquaintance) that I feel myself frustrated with. They are pleasant, within a distant sense, and I have limited information about them. But of what I do know about them, they appear to be as close to perfect as I can imagine. They are beautiful in appearance, quite financially well off, residing in a beautiful palace of a home, and in a job which is respected and powerful (all the while younger than me to boot). Additionally they are in a marriage which appears to be supportive, loving and functional (with a rather good-looking spouse) and have two children who also appear to be perfect. I can't see a flaw in this person (other than their occassional cliquish and ego-centered personality). They do appear to be placating and lacking humility -- but since they are a distant acquaitance I reason these traits to be more a consequence of professional position relative to my own. Nonetheless, this is far from something significant.

From what I know of their past, it appears they were raised in a supportive, financially stable childhood, had a good education, and lots of friends. I saw photos of their wedding and they were surrounded by loving caring people. I see photos of their home and children and everything is overly gorgeous. I can't see anything that could have possibly been traumatic, painful, dysfunctional or sad in their lives, then or now. It appears that they have it all.

And boy does this piss me off! I am jealous that it appears they have had (and still have) so much! And all of it appears to have come to them so easily, so young. Granted my life was not a disaster, and I too was blessed with many things, but it also was no picnic. I struggled to achieve many of the healthy attitudes and self-esteem I have. I had quite a few hurdles to overcome and still find myself doing so. And it frustrates me that others do not have to do the same.

Some part of me (as horrible as I admit I feel about it) wants to see people like this person suffer. I yearn to see them be overcome with even just a momentary dark cloud. I know it is wrong (to everything I hold dear morally, spiritually and personally) to feel this way. But my ego still twitches with irritation. Why can't I have anything slightly as easy and wonderful as this person appears to have it? I'm a good person and have given to many in my life. I feel that I deserve something for it all. Why can't I have the good-looking supportive husband, financially abundant home and loving children? Why do I have to wander from unsatisfactory relationship to relationship? Why can't I meet a Prince Charming and move to a castle? Why do I have to sometimes still feel rejected, alone and struggling for a sense of inner peace? Why do I still feel incomplete?

I know that power, position, beauty or relationships are not meant to complete us. I know that the completion needs to come from within us. Same with the value. But I admit to my jealousy and idolization of things which should not be important or valued to me. I know that I can see beyond these thoughts and feelings that distract me and create my own imprisonment. I can rationalize that real value does not come in relationships, material goods, power, position or beauty. But I still get wrapped up in the illusions of this world time to time (just like everybody else) and feel myself struggling with the yearning for them.

It feels like a battle between my ego and my higher self. The ego desires its idols, while the higher self knows there is nothing that it needs to feel complete. Yet still I sit in a world surrounded by things, whose value appears to be something I need or desire. Why??

How can I rationalize these feelings away and be at peace with myself? Will it take the surrendering of my material desires or beliefs that these things have any substance? And if I am able to get there, will I truly be happy or just making excuses?

I know that there must be a better feeling than the clinging to jealousy, resentment and emptiness which appear to be supporting the anger and discontent. I know that I need to give up these feelings and idols. There must be some other way to see this, be this and feel peaceful, if I am not at peace now. But how does one instill this peace and choose to surrender when living in a material world? Can I adequately go within, enough so that the outer world will lose its value? And if I do, does that make me out of touch, psychopathic or delusional?

Why can't I be at peace and satisfied with the many material goods or healthy supportive relationships simultaneously? Some part of me would really like to know better. And maybe that right there is the answer.

Goal Keeping

2005-05-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

If anybody recalls my birthday re-solutions list from my earlier "Brainspew" blog (which has now been disassembled), one of my goals was to complete the manuscript for my self-help style book. As mentioned, I have created a number of tools for self-growth through my job, and have often been told (by both clients and colleagues) that these tools would make a successful self-help book or lecture presentation.

Of course I have had visions of being on Oprah's booklist and have often joked about becoming the next motivational speaker to hit the lecture circuit, but in reality I have contemplated and fantasized presenting my ideas to the public at large. Yet up until this point (about four months away from my next birthday) I have accomplished next to nothing on this goal. My justifications have been laziness, school-work, emotional distractions, lack of focus, etc. But the bottom-line is, as usual, I haven't followed through with my goals as best as I could have.

So, with the completion of this Spring semester and the art show (which although an unstated goal, was accomplished to much satisfaction) I've decided to focus on the completion of this manuscript. I've given myself the realistic minimum of 1 (single spaced) typed page a day. I figure that this is a goal I can meet with minimum effort. Rather than state that I will finish the manuscript by a certain time or possibly get overwhelmed or bogged down by the details, I've chosen one page so to allow for maximum flexibility. There is no excuse for not writing at least one page a day and in this I feel I can stay on track. At that rate I will have about 100 pages completed by this year's birthday, which should be most of the manuscript. I'll keep you updated on my progress.

Goals are an important life component. Without goals it would be difficult to measure our direction. One could argue that to measure one's life by tasks is misleading or meaningless, that instead we should focus on the satisfaction received, value created or happiness passed on. I too agree, but believe life can be appreciated both through the inner and outward creations. Each of us should pass on happiness or find value in our experiences, but in accomplishing daily tasks we keep our minds disciplined and dreams ever present.

I guess the bottom line is that each of us measure success in our own way. Some measure their success through monetary riches, power achieved or material gains. Others measure success through the creation of children, family supported or enriching home life given. Yet still others measure success by survival beyond life's challenges and self-growth accomplished. Each of us have a way in which we will look back on our lives and perceive our own appreciation for all. Whether our accomplishments were undertaken through being, doing, seeing or creating, each of us will choose to leave behind better or less than what we arrived with.

So, before I go off on my usual "Oxygen Channel, tree hugging rant of self motivation" (as was termed by a reader) I would like to summarize that I find greatness through the recognition of greatness created through others. However you choose to create it. I offer up a hope that each of us will choose to take the opportunities bestowed upon us and leave this world a bit better off than how we were born into it. In doing this each of us, for all generations, will in deed prosper.

Weekend Update

2005-05-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

The weekend turned out to be quite eventful and enjoyable! Friday night's art opening was a great success! I have to admit it was probably the most supported I've ever felt in my life!

At least one person from all areas of my life was represented. I felt proud and cared for by the fact that my friends, family, co-workers, artist peers, fellow graduate students and social acquaintances participated. Additionally, I enjoyed having others (community walk-ins from the Art Loop) attend and give feedback. Occasionally I sneaked into a conversation, without noting that I was the artist, just to hear what they would say. It was amusing if it was pointed out that indeed I was the artist, seeing their reaction, but mostly I remained with my Chershire Cat smile. As mentioned in other posts, my art is a very intimate expression of my inner mind and spirit. It was significantly meaningful and joyous to have others (especially if I didn't know them, thus knowing they weren't placating my sensitivity) connect with and compliment my expressions.

As for sales, I didn't get anything more than a couple of nibbles for purchases, but selling was not the central goal. Yet I also admit to pricing on the high side, feeling that some paintings were worth more than mere money could replace. Think about it, each piece of original art is a one of a kind piece. There is nothing else like it in the WHOLE WORLD! One could say that the artist is presenting you a piece of their soul. It is with much focus, visionary spirit and tenderness that each piece is created. Speaking from a quiet place, deep within them, the artist creates. To witness the result of this experience (let alone own it) is priceless!

Most people commented on the color and powerful statements expressed in the paintings, while others seemed rather attracted to the photos. Overall everyone seemed to enjoy the pieces as well as the evening. Another compliment was when I was approached by a local restaurant owner who offered me space within his place for future showings. Although it is a moderate size pizza place, he verbalized that he felt very connected to my photos and would like to have them available for purchase within his restaurant. Right now I see no reason why not to take him up on his offer, which will provide future profiteering opportunities.

After saying a fond farewell to family and friends on Saturday morning, I continued my weekend's activity by trekking out to Cascade, MD. Here I supported a friend (and others) on their *masochist's* Hike Across Maryland. The Hike Across Maryland is an annual event sponsored by the Mountain Club of Maryland, whereupon participants will hike the Appalachian Trail completely across the state in the limits of one day. My friend and his companions succeeded in crossing the state (40.4 miles!!) within 18 hours. They began their walk at about 5:30am and returned at nearly 12:30am! I can't imagine the energy, strength, determination amazing discipline required to succeed in this event. To make it worse, the group was forced to complete the final (and most challenging) 11 miles in complete darkness! Can you imagine being exhausted from 12 straight hours of hiking, only to be faced with huge rock obstacles, scrambling, unstable foot-holds and complete darkness? Oh yeah and they were lit only by head-lanterns?! Like I said, I can't imagine doing it myself, and it amazes me how it was accomplished! This proves to me that with determination and discipline nearly anything is possible.

I arrived home on Sunday at 3pm from Harpers Ferry(the other border of the hike) and decided to take the day to catch up on the one thing I had been without most of the week ... sleep. I'd run my body on overdrive in preparation for the art show and final week of class; now, that I had my freedom back, without any specific responsibilities, sleep was much in order! Similar to the routines of my 3 cats, I enjoyed a multi-experiential leisure ... I slept on the couch, on my favorite outdoor hammock and my bed, with occasional reading and lounging between. Now that's a great Sunday afternoon!

Today it is back to the world of work. Yet, I do feel quite inspired by the free time which has now opened up on my schedule. I intend to try and meet some goals which have simmered on the back-burner this past year, but I'll keep you all updated on how that goes. But most of all I intend to treat myself to a balanced Spring / Summer of rest, recognition (to enhance personal growth) and recreation. I've learned (sometimes the hard way) that I can't provide for another what I do not claim for myself. This is especially true when it comes to rest and reward.

Countdown...

2005-05-05T23:28:00.000-07:00

My "official" debut into the world of art is tomorrow. Today I'm running on about 3 hours of sleep from finishing up the creative preparations last night. I'm so excited that this is actually happening, and it touches me that others appear excited for me as well.

I find myself in two places. First, I find myself amazed. I am happy that people are interested in my art and this achievement. I am happy that I can look at my creations and be proud, because they represent such an important part of me. I enjoy hearing other people's opinions, even if they don't like it. I am impressed that I created something that could inspire anything in another person (positive or negative).

Part of me is surprised that people are as supportive as they are, not as a put down, but more as an amazement that there is this part of me that receives special interest. It has been so hard for me in the past to accept the positive (without expecting it to be a set-up, joke or insincere), and now I am feeling proud that I can. I look at my art and even find myself amazed! The thought is... "Wow! I did THAT?!" Funny, huh? In fact, tonight as I was hanging the pieces, a few people (including the owner of the coffeehouse) told me how much he enjoyed the pieces. The owner of the coffeehouse mentioned that he would "place my art in the top 5 art presentations he's ever hosted!!!" Imagine that!! Then, on my way out I had another restaurant owner approach and ask for my card. He stated that he too was impressed and would like to know if I'd be interested in hanging anything in his restaurant!!! I couldn't believe it, I tried to be humble but as I left I jumped for joy (and squealed a bit)!! My brain was thinking.. "Wow! They really like it! They like it!!"

Which brings me to my second thought, I find myself telling myself that this is not a big thing and that I shouldn't read too much into it (and tell others not to give it too much credence) just in case it turns out to be more flop than festivity. I guess that's the old wounded self inside of me trying to guard the negative possibilities from occurring, and protect the sensitive side. Yet, in protecting the sensitive side, it is a put down. I've mentioned before how my mind seems to believe that if I put myself down first (or shrug off the positive) I'll be in control of the potential for vulnerability by someone else. Odd how I our minds are so often our greatest enemies. I hate how I have the old thoughts lingering around, seemingly uninterested in moving out of my mind, while I KEEP renewing his lease!

SO tomorrow is the BIG night! A feeling of accomplishment settles within me. A feeling that this moment can be one of the proud life achievements I had. I see myself reviewing my life at times and mentally noting which moments would be those "yes, that was nice" moments, where I can feel my life was made more valuable. Similiar to being able to publish the story in Chicken Soup for the Volunteers Soul, this moment is on the mental note list of Things to Experience in my Lifetime. Now that I feel like I have been able to accomplish it, no matter what the result, I feel like my life has been spoken for a little bit stronger in the chorus of humanity. Hmm... what next??!

I'll post a review.

Selling Yourself

2005-05-04T01:33:00.000-07:00

It's nearly 2am right now and I'm still up finishing preparations to hang my art tomorrow. In case you haven't been keeping up with the shameless self promotion, the Wydeye Coffeehouse is hosting my art from May 6th - 19th (Fells Point, Baltimore). All are welcome to the opening reception on May 6th. Show up anytime between 6pm and 10pm... I'll return the appreciation with free wine and cheese! :-)

For most of my free-time in the past 3 weeks, I've been painting, printing, framing, wiring and organizing (like typing labels / price tags) etc. It's quite a bit of work!! And the cats aren't even lending a paw!

Now here's the question of the day... What does one sell yourself for??! (Or my art for that matter.) Granted I'm far from anyone close to famous, but my art work has great value to me! I've often noticed that higher prices usually deem greater respect (e.g. if a professional's services are $300/hour, she's considered esteemed and assumed to be quite skilled). So, if I price my art work in the higher numbers, not only will I be reflecting the respect I feel it deserves, but it is assumed by the public at large to be worth more. But still, all materialism and ego set aside, how does one price something that is emotionally priceless??

My paintings are the most priceless to me -- not to sound too much like a Visa commercial. Not just because of their larger size and greater work effort expended, but because they have a deeper expression of me within them (emotionally and spiritually). There are two paintings which I do not intend to sell. Instead of putting a cheezy "priceless" tag on it, I psuedo-priced them at $3,000 and $1,500. IF someone is nuts enough to pay $3,000 for my art, they can have it... heck I'll make more! And be suspicious that maybe I am secretly famous after all!

But I doubt that would EVER happen, yet I'm willing to grieve all the way to the bank (really, it would be a loss, money is worth just so much, rather my creative expression of self is... welllll.. priceless!)

Soooo, I decided to compromise with my emotional attachment and ego, by offering nearly every painting as a giclele. This is a print which is created from literally silk screening the original via a computer. The silk screen is then sprayed according to the computer code onto an art canvas, creating an exact double of the original. If you visit a gallery, you will notice many more gicleles for sale. This is the one way that an artist can hold onto their original and make endless copies to sell of good standard. Some of my originals are up for sale (but at a higher price), otherwise I've made arrangements with a local giclele maker to have canvas 'copies' made per order. These canvas copies will sell for normal affordable prices. That way I can have my painting and sell it too! :-)

But really folks.. ever try to sell yourself? (no snide comments.. you know what I mean!) Isn't it difficult to decide in terms of little green bills what you think you are worth? Or what your skills are worth in respect (which is often interpreted into cash in our society)? Obviously the price we pay in stores is far inflated from the cost to create and market any item. Where does the company set their prices from? Is it determined on market value, conceptualized value or creative value? Or a little of all mixed in? And do we create prices for the message the prices send to the buyer or because of the items actual worth?

I'm curious about the principles of marketing. SO if anyone has some good advice, send it my way!

I'm looking forward to seeing anyone who I'll see on FRIDAY!!! I'll post my report!

Giving myself credit

2005-05-03T23:59:00.000-07:00

Okay.. I'm not one to toot my own horn, because I don't have one (a horn that is, for all of you who didn't get it). :-) But I have a few things I've been noticing lately.

1. I have so much negative and over analytical self talk that I can be my own judge and jury. This soooo needs to stop!!! Can someone please invent a self-talk electro-shock monitor? I envision this similar to the dog collars with the sensors. If the dog goes out of bounds he gets a gentle shock back into reality. I need a gentle shock every time my mind wanders out of bounds to self defeating thoughts. ZAPPP! OW! Whoa! Oh, okay I'm not really that bad. ;-)

2. Similar to the above I've been over analytical about completing my Masters degree. I often have found myself questioning my own skills both at work and in school. Yet today I had two clients directly tell me (voluntarily.. no slapping around prior.. really! -- damn, there I go again... ZAPPP!) how much they appreciate what I do, and how good they think I am at what I do. Also, tonight I finished up my last class for this semester (yeah!! no more evening classes, until September!), and often found myself questioning my skills. But tonight I was told directly that I did a wonderful job, and was successful. Also, I learned that another classmate finished and passed his comprehensive thesis exam.. and damn, if that blockhead can do it, sure as hell I can!! (does that sound bad?? mini zap??)

3. ART SHOW THIS WEEKEND!!! Again, see the blog entry on Shameless Self Promotion II. My art (photos, drawings and paintings) will be featured in a Baltimore (Fells Point) Coffeehouse from May 6th to 19th. Please, if you are in the area (or want to make the journey) contact me. Everyone is more than welcome to come and check out my art. The opening reception is this Friday. It is easy for me to blow this off as being important or mediocre, but part of me has to accept it as being special. Well, its more like that I feel appreciated that I was able to accomplish this. It is something life affirming for when I look back on my life. My art is an intimate part of me. In sharing it, I share an intimate part of myself. I'd dare to say nearly a Holy part of myself.

4. Personal Growth... I've been getting a lot of feedback on my Weird entry. Thanks for the support folks! Yes, I'm definitely more able to accept and appreciate myself then ever before in my life. My 30's have been so far the best years of my life.

Gotta give myself more credit... more often. After all, aren't all of us more worthy than we realize?

My Body and Me

2005-05-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

With the coming of Spring arrives the usual female tradition of body maintenance and reparation in preparation for the summer season. Due to some minor seasonal affective symptoms, the winter months drive me to isolate, nap and eat too much. Although this would be especially pleasant for most of the males I know, I get saddened by the lack of motivation to exercise and eat right, which then becomes excused apathy, which results in the gaining of what I now title The Winter Bulge of Ill Repute. This winter was especially bad, resulting in a 10 lb. gain and significant melancholy. Yet magically, around the mid-weeks of March, it was as if the sun literally arose within. Both my attitude, motivation to isolate and exercise reversed. I suddenly felt interested in life and once again healthy. Since then I've been on an average daily routine of moderate exercise (mostly my elliptical trainer for a minimum of 15 minutes a day) and trying to curb my eating habits (limiting carbs -- bread, rice, pasta and naughty evening snacks). My results have been positive, with a reversal of approximately 5 of the 10 lbs.

When it comes to my body there are only two areas which I find generally repulsive: my large rounded butt with expanded thigh region (which puts J-Lo to shame) and the shortened chin which occasionally gives me a double-chin effect. If I was gutsy enough (and rich enough) these would be the two areas that plastic surgery would be tough to deny. I've often watched the Discovery Health channels "Plastic Surgery: Before and After" with awe. Sometimes the results are amazing. If anyone knows how to volunteer to be on the show (which may come with discounted surgical proceedures), let me know. I'm ready to sign up!

Yet, I've also come across quite a few people who have shared with my liposuction nightmares. Which have included pain, swelling, permanent dimple areas, infection, malformations... etc. Needless to say nothing is perfect, even in the search for perfection.

I'm urged to find a way where I can lovingly embrace my body (affirmations: "I love my ass... I am beautiful..."- hopefully I won't accidentally reverse the two). :-)

There have been times where I have stood in front of my full length mirror nude (oh, come on.. I know you do too!) just looking at it. I'll even admit to photographing my body for study within my own artwork. Honestly, I feel that my body is a great mystery that can only be understood from a much more spiritual point of view. It seems to be so much more than meager flesh, bone and muscle. I consider the body to be a miracle in how it is about to independently function, heal and conceptualize. Imagine all the fascinating things we have been able to create with our bodies and minds (including other people)! Sure, there are times when I look at my body and evaluate it. I wonder why I received certain genes (e.g. the large ass gene) and not others (e.g. the hot super model gene). I also wonder how I can make the most out of it.

I have found myself looking at other people (especially women -- no, I'm not gay) in both appreciation of their features and curiosity. There is one woman whom I work with, who swears that she has to work hard to maintain her figure, yet she relates her own stored "fat clothes" are a size 8 ("I think I may get pregnant one day")!! Now, in hearing this I wanted to puke, especially being that my regular size is a 10 and her butt is about 1/2 the diameter of my own. Yet I was more curious in the fact that she seemed almost as unhappy with her own body, as I was with mine. I thought that if she could be upset with such a perfect-appearing body, maybe my own perception is generally in my own head as well.

I remember making a resolution some time ago that I would no longer openly offend my own body. I did this because I decided then that it was important to start honoring the one body I was given, and be thankful for its good health and moderately nice appearance. I am thankful that I have two working legs and arms, a decent breast size, nice curves and a sharp wit. Although I know I'm far from perfect, I can accept that I am as perfect as I can be, within the life I have lived. I could always eat better and exercise more, but I could also learn to appreciate everything that I have to the fullest (which may do more good than the exercise and diet alone).
The mind is significantly more powerful than the body. The body was constructed to support our brief existence within it. It was not meant for us to judge, plasticize, criticize or compare. Each of us were given many beautiful traits, most of which are outside of the physical realms. All in all I think of one of my favorite quotes from A Course In Miracles, "I am not my body, I am free; I am still as God created me." Although I admit that I don't always appreciate my body, or think my ass is grand, at the very least I can accept that I am much more than what meets the eye.

Weird??!

2005-04-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

Did you ever wish that for 24 hours you could split your persona and view yourself from an outside perspective? I've often wondered how other people see me. I've mostly suspected that their judgment is significantly different than my intention.

Yesterday, two people at work called me "weird." They said it conversationally, rather than in a sarcastic retort. Which means, they REALLY think I'm weird. I've had people say that my animated personality can be seen as bizarre, but I've interpreted that as meaning they just don't fully appreciate my sense of humor. But maybe I shrugged that off too easily. I have felt like the odd one out, time after time; but, don't really consider myself to be weird. Weird seems more like a bad thing.

Researching "weird" in the dictionary, it describes someone who is "involving or suggesting the supernatural; unearthy or uncanny; 2. Strange, unusual, peculiar." According to that definition, I'm able to accept my own unearthiness. I'm far from a materialist and view life on a deeper level. I don't dress strange or am one of those eccentric, dramatic or attention-seeking personalities. I would bet that most people wouldn't really notice me at first.

I have a strong artistic nature, but am not out of step with reality. I possess a quirky sense of humor and am down to earth, but these are always meant in good fun (and sometimes to cover up my truer more sensitive and isolative feelings).

I'm able to laugh off the perception of weirdness by others (at least they didn't call me a "weirdo" because according to the dictionary that is a lot worse), but have to admit that it does sting. In fact, now as I write this, it actually hurts a lot, because it brings back too many destructive memories from the past.

I wonder why am I seen as weird, what is so different about me? Why have I often felt on the outside of the "in" group? Why I am still single? I will admit to being distrusting of others, but I think that is mostly based on my past experiences with being seen as an outcast. People have hurt me so much that it is difficult to initially trust or openly approach them. But, it was their judgments that caused that reaction, even though I can't recall doing anything to cause such hurtful judgments, so instantly and so young. Do I send out some sort of outcast vibe just by my appearance, personality or presentation? And if so, why?

I'd like to try and determine what it is that keeps me feeling so alien in this world (and also makes the world feel like I'm an alien to them). Because I have to admit that this is far from the first time that I've received this impression or felt this way. In fact, it is a label I've had to force myself to adapt to and overcome, just so I could function in the world at large. Mainly my entire life I've felt on the outside looking in and far from normal.

My entire childhood had me as the pariah of the entire school. One of the most hurtful memories from elementary school was when my peers gave me the nickname of "It." I was told the name was because I wasn't like all the other girls (or even boys), I wasn't really a person. I was odd. I was the outcast. I was "it" and would hear my "name" chanted loudly whenever I would walk by. They'd even refer to me as "it" in conversation, as if "it" was really my name. I recall this from Kindergarten and the first grade. This pretty much followed me through the fourth grade, where my parents tried to help by retaining me. Although I was academically strong, they hoped I would find a new group of kids whom I'd possibly fit in with.

This turned out not to be the truth, because the whole new group of kids started to treat me similarly. I was threatened, chased home from school, taunted and teased through all of Junior High. My parents tried to assist me, but even when my Mom and I would argue, she'd call me weird, probably out of her own frustration with my experiences. My adolescent summer camp years also brought more trauma, as the "teasing" became physical and sexual abuse by my peers. I still have difficulty relating to a group of cliqueish women, because I remember how I'd often be attacked.

My parents tried to save me again by changing high schools. I was transferred within the same township, but yet again (in fact it was on my first day of the freshman year) someone saw me and decided to re-name me "ducky" before I'd even said a single word. I was told it was because of my hair and slight pigeon toe gait. This new nickname followed me all through high school, and I was again the social outcast. I tried to function, and occassionally met friends. But I also tried to accept the position I was placed in, although felt depressed. In my lowest times (which my parents never knew of) I would fantasize of ways to commit suicide. I wanted to "show them" what they "made me do." I hid my feelings, because even when I sought answers from adults, I never received any.

It sounds horrible to say, but when I hear stories of school violence and kids killing their peers who teased them, I've wondered if I could have acted the same. I feel that if my generation had the access to violence and weapons (similar to how the generation of today does) the potential would not have been impossible. That is how much hurt I felt.

In these violent acts, the perpetrator kids are seen as misfits gone psychotic or power hungry neo-nazi attackers. And the killed as innocent victims. But in truth, the perpetrators are significantly distraught kids, feeling all alone in the world. I can relate to what these unfortunate teens went through, and how they interpretted their choices. I can openly witness that when a child is so deeply verbally and socially abused, your peers are far from innocent. You are the victim and revenge rarely leaves your fantasies. It is not right, nor excusable or appropriate; but, as we see in the war times of today, revenge is human-nature and we all can understand its sting.

I remember learning, in my twenties, that one of the ring-leader girls who would torment me was diagnosed with cancer. My first reaction was pleasure. I wanted to know that she would at the very least suffer, nearly as much as I had by her hands. In fact, some part deep inside of me hoped they all would know what my suffering was like. These days I've come to understand why I felt that way, and forgive myself, but still find it quite difficult to forgive them.

But I could go on with this poor me story forever. That was not the point of this blog entry. Needless to say, my outcast experience has been the norm of my life. I was the misfit, on the outside and rarely able to be accepted. I have continued to have this condition follow me through my college and eventual professional career. I was on the outside, rarely feeling accepted or supported. This still feels to be the case today. But I try to deal with it. I try to learn to accept it, even though I far from understand it.

The hurt led me to try harder to be accepted, but then finally resulted in me surrendering to the ever present reality of alienation. I decided that if this was going to be how it was, I might as well find a way to live as best I could. If I was going to be left alone, I was to find a better way to enjoy it. Unfortunately I don't always enjoy it, and still pray for it to change.

I know this isn't healthy, nor comforting. And I don't share these stories to receive any sort of pity. I'm anything but a pity party goer. I have found a way to adapt, and although it hasn't always been supreme, I used strength which never would have thought to be found. I'm glad that I've been able to build, albeit brick by crumbling brick, some self-esteem and deeper understanding. I'm happy to say that I feel like I've been able to use my life for something, and help others. I am proud of my accomplishments.

So as a thriving outcast of today, is there something that I can change? Should I? Or is there at least a better insight which makes this entire journey comprehendable? How do I gain insights from other people's perspectives? Is it even possible to change some unknown thing which keeps you on the outside? Does it come from my essence rather than my behavior? If I could surrender "it" to fit in, should I? How do I seek within myself, what the outer world has never given me, and release my dependence on acceptance entirely? Is that even humanly possible? These questions and more now linger in my mind and I wonder what if anything could help me find the answers.

Stolen Morals

2005-04-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I shoplifted from a large chain store. Granted, it was a mistake, and I didn't realize I had the item until I left the store, but still, I didn't return to pay. The item was being sold for $25.00 on sale. Part of the mix up was that the item was slightly damaged, and I had already paid for half my purchases. I put the item at the bottom of my cart intending to take it to customer service, and pay on the way out. Yet instead I forgot I had the item, paid for the items I had and left the store.

So is it stealing? Should I return to the store and admit my mistake? The more I thought about this the more confused I felt. I thought that the item (before it was on sale) was selling for twice as much (oh, and it wasn't on sale because it was slightly damaged). I wondered that if the large chain store could still make money on the sale of this item at half-price its original sale price, was the item really worth what I was supposed to be paying? I also thought that if the item was being sold to me, on sale, at $25.00 and hand-crafted in Mexico (which it was) what were the Mexicans paid for their hard work? Maybe $5.00? Maybe less. So in other words, most of the time, who is really robbing who?

Sure, I know that two wrongs don't make a right and that my overlook was still a loss for the store, but don't they write those things into their budget ahead of time? Don't they set their prices knowing that they have to make-up the costs of stolen goods, employee salaries, taxes and insurance? So if I was paying too much before I shopped at this store for everything I purchased there, were they really stealing from me?

Of course, my mind can justify anything. The ego is quite adept at coming up with more justifications for our misery than supports for our peace of mind. None the less I do wonder what the reality of the situation is? Did I commit a victimless crime? Did I even really commit a crime? I admit that it does say in the Ten Commandments, "Thou shalt not steal," but then we got the Enron guys who get away with it for millions of dollars. It also says "Thou Shalt Not Murder," and we have hundreds of self-proclaimed members of the Christian "Religious Right" who will claim to be "pro-life," while at the same time support the purchase of guns for everyone and give money to the innocent slaying of thousands of people in other countries. Is that hypocrisy or sin? But I'm not one to judge either way. I'm just looking for some answers.

Strep Life

2005-04-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

I went into work today for the annual CPR and AED (defib.) life saver training but still felt pretty sick myself. My throat has been hurting the last week, with obvious red and swollen tonsils on appearance. I was concerned about the possibility of Strep throat but was told by nurses that as long as I didn't have a fever and no obvious whitish spots on my throat it was probably just tonsillitis and it would go away with some gargling. Yesterday, I visited my employee health department and told the same advice, but in case it gets worse I should go to a doctor.

Turns out, after completing today's training, and re-appearing at employee health to receive a doctor's note to go home for strep testing, indeed I do have strep throat. Still, I don't have a fever and the whitish spots are minimal. This goes to prove (yet again) that just because someone receives medical or health care training this does not guarantee a correct opinion (or diagnosis) all the time. A person who is receiving care (or seeking care) needs to take the initiative to ask the doctor the questions and challenge the answers. Sure, I could have listened to the "professionals" today, but if I did, I wouldn't have received the antibacterial medication I needed, and would have had the infection spread to my ears (which I was already feeling signs of) and others (whom many I work with are already either children or immune-suppressed).

So, I'll be home the until Friday, on my antibacterials and resting. Which in a way I'm glad. Not that I'm a huge fan of getting sick, but usually when I do get sick it is because I have been not giving my body the rest it desperately needs. It is as if my body sometimes has to force itself to break down before I'm able to get the message and give myself the loving attention a need (be it extra sleep or a day off). So now, I'll be forced to rest for at least a gifted 24 hours.

This is one thing that I hate about the American work ethic. Here, we will work ourselves (or our companies will insist that we work) so much that it will eventually kill us. In my hospital (as ironic as that is) employees are penalized for using their sick days. We are given numerous sick days throughout the year as part of our benefits package. But every time we use one it is considered to be an "occurrence." So many "occurrences" within a period of time (could be more than three within 4 months) results in a verbal warning (which is written down -- get that!). I feel like I'm being brought in front of the principal and being called on for my poor performance if I dare get sick! And so many of my co-workers (and myself) feel pressured to show up to work when sick, which can possibly endanger the lives of our clients (if their immune-suppressed). But they deny that (as I once brought that up). The bottom line is, so many occurrences will lead to write up which will lead to termination, so if you take a sick day, you are opening up the potential for losing your job! Is that sick or what??!

In Europe, the lowest ranked worker-bee is given a minimum of four WEEKS vacation a year!! Vacations are actually viewed as being BENEFICIAL to an employee's well being! They are FORCED to vacation for the GOOD of the company and the BETTERMENT of the clientele! Gosh, I'm soooo jealous... I wish American companies could see that bright idea! It is true, that the more happy an employee is, the better their work is. And, of course, the better their work is, the better the company is as a whole. But let's not get out of hand with that crazy logic! We all really know that it is so much better (according to American work ethic) to threaten your employees with causeless termination, to make them work harder, never giving any incentives or praise, eventually killing them younger and then screwing their families out of any economical benefits! Or just firing their lazy asses if they don't die. Or stealing their money / pension in a stock market scandal if they survive long enough. The more money kept within the company the better for the company! The more money within corporate big-wigs pockets the better, sure they may be threatened with prison, but we both know that will never happen!

Yeah American Work Ethic!!!! Or do I sound bitter??! Hmmm?

You all know from reading this blog, that I'm far from an Anti-American. But I am an Anti-Capitalist. I'm all for people's equality, care and compassion. But maybe that makes me crazy or a socialist.. not really sure about that one.

Well, before I really get myself in trouble (I'll claim medication-induced temporary insanity) I think I should go lay down some more. Rant over. Peace out!

Everyday is a Winding Road

2005-04-26T23:35:00.000-07:00

Today on my way to evening class, the radio belted out the Sheryl Crow song, "Everyday is a winding road..." and I kept thinking that the song was an appropriate representative of today's experiences.

I returned to work today after a day vacation for the Passover holiday. Although yesterday was mostly spent on travel and caring for my ill cat (whom now requires additional quarantining and a strange glowing paste to be applied to her daily - which is a stress within itself), it was at least a mild break from the stress that my work throws at me. On top of that my tonsils were painfully swollen through most of the day. So needless to say my tolerance with low, and my patience at minimum. It would have been great if I was met with a patient group that was compliant and pleasant. But today was far from that. I wouldn't say that my work is physically stressful, it is mainly emotionally and psychologically stressful, and today's cocktail was leaving me in need of cocktails.

I've mentioned before that I work on an inpatient psychiatric unit, and although the majority of the clients are more than compliant and enjoyable to work with, occassionally we get clients whom are rather challenging to say the least. I'm used to dealing with one or two who are attention seeking, interruptive, non-compliant, gamey or just irritable. But today's group (who had 10 new patients arrive between Friday evening and Monday -- which meant more paperwork, but also new names and cases to comprehend) was more than challenging. My morning groups were met with anger, anxiety and disrespect. I was argued with, insulted and treated like I was the enemy. Although many of the clients had apologized by the afternoon for their morning behavior, it still made the morning generally unbearable to tolerate.

I understand that many of our clients don't want to be where they are, and feel that it is treatment team who are responsible for their freedom (or lack thereof), but in truth we did not bring them there and are really their advocates (probably more of an advocate for them than they've ever been for themselves). They have every reason to be depressed or presenting with the emotional instability that led them to our emergency room and eventual admission onto our unit. But, usually they are able to focus in groups, and give me some feedback which is beneficial to group discussion. Today I found myself being yelled at, and being a teacher who had to threaten people with detention if they didn't get it together.

I found myself tense by noon, and on the verge of a nervous twitch by 4pm. I couldn't wait to dash out the door, and run for the hills. I hate feeling that way... I really do. It is not why I do what I do, nor enjoyable in the least.

Everyone wants to feel some job satisfaction, and generally I do. I enjoy being able to feel that I've helped people make a difference in their own lives. I am able to keep myself separate from their stories, or emotional baggage, but it is difficult to stay completely on the outside. There is a lot of empathic energy which is essential to helping the job, but it is such a dagger for my own heart many times. I feel frustrated by seeing people make the same mistakes with their lives over and over again, and not learn. I feel bitter when I hear of the travesties both these people have done to others, or what has been done to them. I feel powerless when I stand before a group of people, putting all I have to give in the bit I'm able to assist with, only to be met with shallow words, deafness and discontented hearts. Yet I also know that clinicians make easy scapegoats and can't take any of that personally.

I know I can't make myself dependent upon the reaction I receive or the help I'm able to give, yet being in the midsts of anger and anxiety highly increases my own level of discontent. I guess one should say then that I shouldn't do my job, if that is how I feel, or that this should be a red flag for the future. But honestly, days like today come along once in a year or two, and are far from the average experience.

I just feel like I needed to vent. Thanks for bearing my own burden... on your own windy road.

Reminders

2005-04-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

Part of the ritual of celebrating the Passover holiday includes the cessation of consuming bread and bread products for eight days. This is to remind us of when the Israelites were escaping slavery in Egypt, wandering the desert for 40 years, they didn't have time to let the yeast rise in their breads. Thus, they were left with eating flat-bread (similar to Pita bread) now called Matzah.

These days, the elimination of bread is nothing more than a short version of the Atkins diet. There are many alternatives available as substitutes, so we still feel satisfied. With the many options available for Jews in the America, I believe this negates the true purpose of the holiday.

Passover reminds me that there are plenty of things in my life that are luxuries and over-indulgences. Things that many people in the world would feel lucky and rich to have. Things that are constantly taken for granted. I feel frustrated when I hear fellow Americans (especially ones who are obviously NOT poor) complain. They whine when they don't have the newest designer clothes, or technology toys, or have to wait at a restaurant for over-priced food. They gripe if they feel their bodies are not perfect or their social lives aren't full enough. They feel wanting if they don't have a big enough house or live in the most exclusive condo. They feel unsatisfied from a tiny bit of wanting, waiting or a bit of inconvenience. Needlessly they complain over situations which would make the least of others feel joyously abundant.

Americans in general are so vastly blessed by freedom, luxury, safety and well-being, that we are blinded by the value of these blessings. The Passover holiday got its name by the "passing-over" of the Israelites from the 10 plagues. According to the biblical story, the plagues brought peril to the Egyptian peoples (to try and pressure their pharoah to release the Jewish slaves), but the Israelites were not affected. They did not have the boils, insects, destruction of their lands and death that the Egyptians had. The Israelites remained safe, while their neighbors suffered.

Now making a metaphor for our modern times, I find that we Americans also have escaped the plagues of the world. We have not been as equally affected by terrorism, war and poverty as the rest of the world. We have not had our lands destroyed by tsunamis, civil war or disease. We have had so much, and continue to waste the excess day after day. Likewise, Americans (for the most part) are "passed-over" by the trauma and ill-fate that so many in the world have become accustomed to in their daily existance.

Recognizing this and honoring it is the meaning of Passover to me. In this holiday I choose to remember how truly blessed I am to be living in a country with so much. I appreciate my solace and protection over others who are not. I may cease from eating bread products not because of some ancient reminder of a desert journey; but, as a reminder for the bread of life which is constantly and abundantly given to me, and not to all the world. The daily appreciation of this makes every day truly a holy day.

A Passover Madlib

2005-04-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

A Passover Madlib
Directions: First make a list of all the components (18 nouns - 4 Prounoun Names...), then read it into the story. Enjoy! Of course, this is one Jew making fun of a Jewish tradition, so I don't want any complaints. This is all in good fun!

Approximately (large number) years ago, the Jewish people were forced to be (noun #1)s in the land of (noun #2). This was very sad and the Jewish people dreamed one day of being (adjective #1). One year a very (adjective #2) Prince named (Pronoun Name #1) received a message from God. God appeared to him high on the Mountain (noun #3) in the form of a burning (noun #4). As the (noun #4) burned, it was unharmed and the voice of God commanded (Pronoun Name #1) to go to (Pronoun Name #2) the Pharaoh, king of all of (noun #2) and command that he release the Jewish people. God told (Pronoun Name #1) that if the Pharaoh would not listen He would send 10 mighty plagues to destroy the Pharaoh’s land. Although (Pronoun Name #1) was very afraid and could not speak to the Pharaoh because of his (name of a disability) he followed God’s command, and took his brother (Pronoun Name #3) with him. On arriving at the palace, (Pronoun Name #1) and (Pronoun Name #3) performed many tricks trying to prove that they indeed were sent by God. One trick had his staff turn into a (noun #5). Everyone in the Pharaoh’s court was struck by awe. Soon the Pharaoh’s own magician challenged (Pronoun Name #1)’s magical feat and turned his staff into a (noun #6). The court was even more afraid when (Pronoun Name #1)’s (noun #5) ate the magician’s (noun #6). Pharaoh (Pronoun Name #2) was still not convinced and refused to set the Jewish people free. (Pronoun Name #1) tried his best by telling the Pharaoh and over again, “Let my (noun #7) go! Or I will show you the wrath of God.” Yet the Pharaoh did not care and was not afraid. (Pronoun Name #1) warned that if he did not listen to the commands of God, He would punish his people. Again the Pharaoh laughed and refused, holding up his hand and saying, “Show me the power of your (noun #8).” With that (Pronoun Name #1) held his staff high over the river (noun #9) which fed the land of (noun #2) and it quickly turned to (noun #10). Although the people of the land of (noun #2) became afraid, still the Pharaoh did not.

The day after (Pronoun Name #1) left the Palace of the Pharaoh and met with the leaders of the Jewish people. Although the Jewish people also doubted (Pronoun Name #1) approximately (Large #) agreed to follow him. The next day the wrath of God was seen as the horrible plagues continued on the people of the land of (noun #2). The second plague came with the arrival of multitudes of (noun #11) hopping all over the land. Again, the people were afraid, but the Pharaoh was not. On the third day, another plague came with the arrival of swarms of (name of insect). Since the Pharaoh still refused to set the Jewish people free, the arrival another swarm of (name of insect #2) occurred. Soon the people of the land of (noun #2), because of the other plagues, had their (Name of farm animal) die, which continued to bring more sorrow to the land of (noun #2). After the death of the (name of same farm animal) die, the people of the land of (noun #2) also became ill. They began to have very painful (noun #12) appear all over their bodies. Yet again, the Pharaoh was unconvinced of the power of God and refused to let the Jewish People leave his land.

A massive storm of (noun #13) was next on the agenda. The Pharaoh was warned that everyone should stay inside to avoid being killed by (noun #13). The (noun #13) destroyed the crops in the field and killed the people who didn’t heed the warning. Pharaoh begged (Pronoun Name #1) to ask God to stop the hail and he would let the Jewish people go. Moses prayed and the (noun #13) stopped but Pharaoh still would not let them go.

(Pronoun Name #1) and (Pronoun Name #3) went to see Pharaoh again. Pharaoh was willing to let the Jewish men go into the desert to worship, but not the women and children. (Pronoun Name #1) refused and the Pharaoh denied his request. So God sent a cloud of (noun #14) that covered the land and ate everything that the (noun #13) had not destroyed. God continued to harden Pharaoh’s heart and he would not let the Jewish people go.

God told (Pronoun Name #1) to raise his hand toward the sky and darkness would fall on the land of (noun #2). There was total darkness in all of (noun #2) for three days. Only the Jewish people had light (no, they didn’t carry flashlights!). Pharaoh offered to let the Jewish people go but not their animals. (Pronoun Name #1) refused that offer and the Pharaoh told him that he never wanted to see him again.

Finally the final plague arrived, this was the worst yet. (Pronoun Name #1) told the Pharaoh that every firstborn (noun #15) would be killed. Everyone from the Pharaoh’s (noun #15) to the slave woman’s (noun # 15) would die. God instructed Moses to tell his people to make sure every household had a (noun #16) or goat. On the given day, the Jewish People were to slaughter, cook and eat the (noun #16) and put its blood on their doorposts. The angel of death (Pronoun Name #4) would see the blood when he came to kill the firstborn and would “pass over” when he saw the blood. That is how the holiday got its name. All of the firstborn (noun #15) of the people of (noun #2) died that night, including the Pharaoh’s. Finally the Pharaoh was struck by sadness and grief, finally believing the power of (Pronoun Name #1)’s God and sent the Israelites away.

Still to this day the Jewish people retell this story, to remember the days when they were (noun #1) in the land of (noun #2). Part of the celebration is honored by having the Jewish people not eat (name of a food) for 7 days. Also, for two nights a ritual dinner called a (noun #17) is held, where the participants retell the story, drink wine and hide a piece of (noun #18). It is a reminder that freedom should valued. We are also reminded that still to this day there are many people who remain (noun #1)s across the world, whom we should pray for and help as best we can for their own freedom.

The End

Guided By Voices

2005-04-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

I was sitting around today thinking about the source of inspiration. As someone who enjoys the arts (be it painting, drawing, writing, teaching or photography) there have been numerous times that I have found myself aligned with an influence deep within me. I don't want to put a label on this inner drive, dare I be labeled non-pragmatic or insane.

As humans we are impelled to place a concrete definition on everything. All things must be understood or at the very least categorized. There are no shades of gray. Only rows and rows of cubby-holes that all life and creation is supposed to fit neatly within. But inspiration is far beyond any limitation. Its very essence is limitless.

I recall one of the many times that I've stood before a canvas and painted. Each stroke seems to already know where to go. It is as if the painting has been created and I am just helping it along into this new physical dimension. I can already "see" it completed, and "know" how it is supposed to be.

But where does that knowledge derive? How do I know that one stroke, color or reflection belongs while another one does not? How come, when I stand back and look over my work, I feel the awareness that I'm either done or still have something else to create? There are no audible voices in my mind telling me what to say, paint or teach. But there is a knowing which is ever present as a guide. In the photographs I take, I am aware that either the image is "right" or wanting. I can feel that the light is balanced and the image is in place. I hit the shutter full aware of the "yes, that's it" from within.

Religion has its views of angels and guides. Saints who can intercede between humanity and God. Ancient civilizations spoke of Muses and Oracles. Psychology identifies a superego that is linked to the Universal Consciousness. Whatever label is placed on the experience, and however I claim to understand it, the experience itself does not change. All in all it is very real, honest and other-worldly. I wish that words could do it justice, but unfortunately they only seem to place a hard cold dimensionality on something which thrives within and can't be grasped.

Sometimes I also wonder if people who claim to be atheists or purely materialistic, feel a deeper connection to anything, and if not, why not. If they do feel a connection, do they excuse it away within limited definitions of random firing neurons and chemical cocktails? Is that rational and satisfactory to them, or are they just afraid to claim a lack of knowing.

When it comes to each of our talents, they are abilities rooted within this very same essence. If you are a scientist, athlete or engineer, I inquire what is it that drove you to seek out that job? What told you that you were good at one subject and not at something else? Where did your own personal drive originate? How did you define your own instincts? How did you "know" what you knew was right or a proper fit? Was it "luck," "consciousness," or "neurons?"

It is impossible for me to stand witness to the wonder that arrives with a sunset or see the light dance off a breath-taking landscape, and claim that it's nothing other than simple elements. I can't absorb a superior work of art or music and label it is "luck" or "coincidence." There has to be something else. The same something that helps me feel the desire to meet the eyes of another and smile, feeling connected. Or to say the words another needs to hear in their own moment of self-doubt or depression. I've written insights and wonder where they come from and how did I come to that knowledge. I wish there were easy answers. But I'm beginning to feel that the answer I seek can only be discovered within the mystery itself.

All I can say is that I don't understand, but am very thankful it is there.

The Cat Contender

2005-04-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

I arrived home from work last night to discover my cat had been injured. The injury wasn't obvious at first, but discovered as I was combing her and some liquid and blood was found on her back leg and fur. On further inspection and controlled wrestling (it's hard with a long haired cat, especially one experiencing pain, to inspect anything) I found she had a two inch flesh wound on the back of her leg and butt. It was open, abcessed and oozing blood with pus.

The bleeding was minimal, but it was obvious (by the abcess and potential for infection) that she would need a trip to the 24 hour emergency vet. But, I wasn't sure what to do exactly. Bailey is not a domestic cat, and one that is not necessarily worth a huge vet bill. Furthermore, she is unable to be happy inside my house, where I'm sure (especially after this injury) she'd be safest. My two other cats seem to get their kicks psychologically tormenting her, but she's quite snippy to them as well. Nonetheless, before investing several hundred dollars in her care, I needed some more insights.

First, I called the veterinarian and told them the story of Bailey (feral cat on the lamb - see yesterday's post) and how I think that she may have had a bar room brawl. I was afraid at first that her injuries (since the discharge from her rear area was quite extensive) were internal as well as external and that there would be a possibility of surgery. The vet tech explained that they would need to see her to determine exactly the course of treatment as well as cost.

Anyone who has ever had an animal knows that the animal surgery is expensive, especially when it is at 12 midnight on a walk-in basis. This could easily go into the multiple hundreds of dollars. I knew I couldn't ignore her needs, but was afraid I couldn't afford her care.

I began to ponder if I should abandon her at the animal hospital. I know.. I know, that sounds absolutely horrible, but here's the thing, I thought that it may have been the best for her. If I was to leave her as what is known as an "animal control" drop off she'd be completely cared for (no charge to me), fixed up and then brought to the local no-kill shelter for adoption. She may be able to get placed with a good home, as the solitary pet, and remain as an indoor cat.

I asked if I could participate in helping them find Bailey a home, if I chose to abandon her, and if I could get updates on her care if that was to happen. The answer was a strict "No," which made me feel even more frustrated. "When an animal is dropped off as an animal control you are signing over all your rights to the animal, they are no longer your responsibility and you can't have any information about what happens next." I'd go on with my life and she goes on with hers.

I didn't know what to do. I felt guilty if I were to abandon her in her time of need. I pondered making an anonymous call to the shelter afterwards and leaving some important information about her needs. Or visiting under anonymously to make sure she made it. All in all I really wanted the best for her.

I decided to bring her in and make it a drop off. Before leaving my home, I tried to have some moments of closure with her. I explained what I was doing and why. She purred. I had her say goodbye to my other two, wrapping her up in a towel and giving them the opportunity to sniff her goodbye. They did the best I've ever seen with her (no hissing). We rode in the car and the whole way she sat on my lap, purring. I prayed that she knew that this was for the best.

By the time we arrived at the hospital, sometime after midnight. I felt that I couldn't do it. I needed more information. I asked to speak to the vet, but she sent out her vet tech to talk. I explained tearfully my predicament and how I'd love to care for Bailey. But if the expense was too much and she'd have to remain under supervised indoor care forever, I couldn't give that to her. We talked and the tech agreed to take her in the back and examine the wound before giving any advice.

That by itself was a huge relief! I now was at least going to get some answers, so I knew I could make an informed decision, rather than an impulsive one.

After examination, it turned out that Bailey would be okay. She just needed some shaving, wound care and antibiotics. She wouldn't need surgery and she wouldn't have any permanent injuries. "But it looks like she must have took on a formidable competitor. Those bite marks are quite large, and he had to bite her in the back, she was probably wrangled out of his grasp."

Go Bailey! The Contender!

SO after that full drama, I paid the $122 to fix Bailey up and brought her back home. She is mildly lethargic (too much drama for one day) but responding well.

As for her outdoor adventures she is now limited to supervised visitation with the outdoors. I will try to get a new gate for my backyard, and only let her out when I am able to be home and supervise her adventures.

Bailey the Bunny Killer

2005-04-21T07:21:00.000-07:00

I have some sad news to report, my cat is a serial killer. Yes.. I'm ashamed to admit it, as I felt I was a good and loving parent. I've been supportive, caring and can't identify any reason for these new bunnicidal behaviors. Yet Bailey, my female (former feral) cat, whom I benevolently brought into my home, saving her from a life on the streets, has turned to a life of slaughter on the innocent.

Within the past week the death toll stands at three baby bunnies and a bird. I'm so sorry.

I feel like one of those guilty suspects who quickly shuffles out of the police station, hand held over the camera lens or tunic over their head. Trying to conceal their guilty conscience from view. I see myself carrying Bailey, walking briskly, blocking the camera's lens with my palm, a giant blue dot floating over the face of my cat, "nothing to see... nothing to see."

I rack my brains trying to think of any early signs that could have indicated such misanthropic behavior. The neighbors would be surprised as well, "she seemed so nice," but as the media coverage expands on her murderous rampage, suddenly it becomes, "yeah, I always suspected her... you could see the twitch in those whiskers and narrow yellow eyes... I always thought that there was something just not right 'bout 'er!"

But alas there are no such stories about Bailey. Albeit a loner, and porch dweller, she has never had an aggressive fur on her body. But I guess they do say that it is often the quiet ones.

I am left without rationale. Sure, she would enjoy "playfully" stomping the small cotton toys in her laundry room lair, but she was never given toys that could incite true violence. No fur lined balls or stuffed mice ever! My only hope is to grasp the comfort of her actions being instinctual, nature over nurture.

Just last night she gazed up at me so lovingly, purring, while gripping the limp, decapitated, half-eaten, bunny from her teeth. She purrs so proudly in her killings, which only goes to show a significant lack of remorse. Oh woe is me.. the parent of a sociopathic kitty.

I feel responsible. Should I now imprison her in solitary? Should I send vegetable ammends to the families of her victims? How can I put my conscious to peace?

I know... let us say a benediction in honor of the bunnies (and bird):

Oh Dear Lord, forgive poor Bailey, Your feline child, for she has sinned.
I ask that You take thine Souls of Your Created (only known as Young Bunnies and Birds 1 -4) into the Breast of Your Safeharbor.
Allow them to feel comfort in Your Home. Allow them to hop once again in the grasses of the Elysian Fields.
Permit them to be reborn, (if they were Buddist Bunnies) to clear their trauma and karma. (Hmmm, perhaps as a cat)?
In honor of their short lives on this Earth, I ask for their eternal peace.

Amen.

The Missing Piece

2005-04-20T00:52:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite children's books is The Missing Piece Meets the Big O. I'm unsure if I should label it as a children's book because the whole message centers on adult understanding. Shel Silverstein was pretty much a genius in the writing department, similar to Dr. Suess, he places mature morals in a story that may appear to the average consumer as a child's book. I would like to summarize it for you:

The Missing Piece (shaped as a wedge, like a piece of cake) sits in place, "hoping for someone to come along and take it somewhere." The piece begins to encounter many other pieces passing through. He tries a few on for size. Some pieces (mostly PacMan resembling creatures) "don't know a thing about anything," or are "missing too many pieces," or "have too many pieces, period." Some "rolled right on by without even noticing," while others "looked too closely" (seeking the flaws in it). Some pieces were "too fragile" or "put the piece on a pedestal and left it there." So, although not changing, the piece encounters many who he feels could complete him, but still remains alone. He tries to make itself look more attractive (ties flowers to its head) and then tries to become flashy, but that "just frightens away the shy ones." It continues by itself, just waiting, hoping to fit into someone else.

Time goes by and he finally meets a piece that fits it just right (open mouth PAC MAN shaped piece), they fit together well, and are happy. Then something happens. The Missing Piece (cake shaped one) starts to grow and it doesn't fit its mate anymore. They both get disappointed and separate.

After some time of lulling in the grass, our cake shaped Missing Piece meets a shape its never seen before..the BIG O. It asks the Big O whether he is its missing piece. The Big O says it’s not missing anything at all. The Missing Piece seems disappointed, hoping that he could be the missing piece for the O. The O states that he is fine the way he is, needs nothing, is happy and independent, but invites The Missing Piece to roll along with him. The Missing Piece is abhored, he shouts "A Missing Piece cannot roll by ITSELF!!!" The Big O inquires if he has ever tried, only to be told that it’s not possible to roll with its corners and edges, "it’s just not built to roll." The Big O tries to encourage more by stating that "shapes change and corners wear off." He eventually decides to move on, but still encourages the Missing Piece to try, "perhaps we will meet again."

The Missing Piece sits, and sits, alone for quite a long time. He then one day decides to push itself really hard; briefly dangling up on one end, only to "flop over." He again is alone, and now upside down, feeling like he flopped. After a bit he tries again... gives a big push and then "flops" on another side. This continues for a while, "lift, pull, flop."

Soon, the corners become rounder and it starts to bump instead of flop. Then it is bouncing instead of bumping and soon after its bounce bounce bounce. Then, YEAH, its rolling!!!!!! Its rolling !!!!

A few pages later, we see the Missing Piece meet up with The Big O and together go off into a new future side by side. ~ The end.

But what does it mean??! Really, this is the journey of a character becoming a "whole" person. We each need to become independan and able to "roll" by ourselves in order to make the most of life and relationships. Specifically, you can't rely on others to complete your deficiencies. The book reminds me of a Marianne Williamson quote (who also has fabulous insights on relationships) in that "if you don't enjoy spending a moment with yourself, how can you expect someone to spend a lifetime with you?"

Anyone who is a "relationship leapfrog" needs to read this book. It may even make you cry-and probably will make you laugh-at the similarities with your own experiences. It is never too early to introduce someone to lifelong happiness, independance, and stability.

Rolling along...

Fear Not

2005-04-19T04:00:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't already know, I work daily as a Certified Therapeutic Recreation Specialist on an inpatient psychiatric unit. As part of my job I implement several group teaching sessions on various topics, but most regularly anger and stress management. I've interacted with thousands of people within the five years I have been employed there, and must admit that I am challenged by the repeated nature of many people's issues.

Personally, I know (as I have to in order to keep myself unattached) that I am not there to fix anyone. It is not my job to cure (and there is no specific cure) anyone. I am there to support, pass on whatever knowledge I can, then step back and let them do the rest. I have to admit that I give my job my all. I put my whole self into it and enjoy the opportunities I receive to encourage others towards a more self-satisfied existence. But sometimes people don't follow through.

There are numerous times when people (for whatever reason) seem intelligent, well-intended, articulate and strong but do not follow through with the information they receive. I don't know if it is fear that keeps them from doing the work, low self-esteem or lack of motivation. In fact this is a personal question for me in the areas of my life I want to change, but see myself repeatedly falling into the same old patterns (particularly when it comes to diet and exercise). But my life is not at risk and I will not fall into a deep clinical depression if I don't diet and exercise at optimum ability. My clients are another story.

Part of me becomes frustrated. I feel that I'd like to grab certain people by their collar and shout in their faces, "STOP IT!!!!" I sometimes just want to turn to them and say, "you know I'm beginning to think that maybe you just don't want to get better." But obviously that would be unprofessional and untherapeutic. Yet, it would help me vent some of this frustration.

This is what some therapists refer to as Counter-transference. It is the expectations placed on the client by the therapist to do as they would do. It is quite a slippery slope. As much as I'd like to see these clients listen to my ideas, embrace the ideas that they need to change, work hard and feel the benefits (along with the struggle) of self-growth, I know I can't make it happen. And boy is that hard to bear some days.

So what does the therapist do in these cases? They turn to their own support system and seek out coping mechanisms to assist them in their own issues. That is why I am writing this now.

Today I had two clients shout at the staff (not directly at me - but when they are cursing a blue streak at the people you work with, its not the most comforting environment either). They had a history of multiple admissions, but were articulate and able enough to start the process of change. I just knew that for whatever reason they weren't going to do it. They were angry at us for not changing them. For not giving them some sort of magic bean to make their life easy. They didn't hear the reality of what we were telling them needed to be done by them (and only them), it was much easier to blame, be angry and play victim of the world. And so their cycle of loss continues.

So I could sit here and write until I'm cramped in the fingers, but realistically there is nothing that I can do. My hands are tied, yet some part of my heart aches. It hopes that beyond the fear and self-depreciating thought system that keeps certain people experiencing the same tragedy time and time again, there will be a light. A meager spark within them, that will let them know enough is enough. Sometimes this spark is suicidal intent, other times it is the spark of self-knowledge. Beyond the psych-ache that they feel is the answer they seek. And me, as a therapist, can only hope that they will use that spark to start a fire of intention and action, rather than create more ashes.

Dream a little dream

2005-04-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

I've had some bizarre dreams in my life. Some, from my childhood, I can still remember vividly to this day. Scientifically I've heard that dreams consist of the firing off of random synapses in the brain. These internal fires, of energy from one neuron to another, cause images to appear in deep sleep. Everything we have experienced or observed in our lifetime can be displayed. Stories can weave from snippets of television shows, billboards or radio lyrics that we never even thought we encountered. The brain is quite a powerful and misunderstood creative god.

Last night, I had a dream about a man (who looked similar to Walt Disney). The dream explored things both from the man's perspective and from an outer perspective unattached to another visible human being. It was another one of those bizarre dreams. I recall, in the dream, a large yellow house with lots of windows, a large garden and seeing a young girl (which I believe was just turning 12 - or celebrating her 12th birthday) have some sort of accident. An argument ensues between man and his wife. He is accused of "being here, but not -- its as if no one can read the real you and you are running from it yourself."

Now as I type these words I think of my blog entry from yesterday. I see how this dream was reiterating what I wrote about myself. In deed I too am often "here, but not." I've prided myself on my emotional complexity, but also know it is a double edge sword that has kept people far away. I have built walls to my own city, protecting either the fantasy within or the perceived enemy outside.

I also recall, from the dream, that this man carried an anger. It was an anger deep inside, suppressed over many years, and an emotion that kept him running from himself, because it was a battle deep within himself. This too relates to me. I wonder if this dream was a way of my brain giving me a new perspective about myself. Sure, I'm not a man (so no wise cracks), but I can see how these repressed emotions (expressed in the dream) are very much a part of my own current journey.

Yet again, the mind of man is a powerful and misunderstood creative god.

All About Me

2005-04-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

My famous blogger friend "bob" suggested that I would get more people to read my blog if I revealed a bit about myself. So I've decided to upload pictures of my naked body everyday. Today you get to see my left big toe.

Okay, no naked pictures ... really, but I'll sit and tell you that I'm currently wearing absolutely nothing beneath my current clothing. Is that better? Hmph.

Its difficult to reveal more about oneself without relying on my comedy coping skill. This coping skill has also been my enduring defense mechanism. If I were to be sarcastic or self-depreciative, I would be taking control over the feeling of being powerless. I would be choosing to deflate myself first, rather than wait for life or others to do it for me. I am forcing a segregate view beyond the depth of dark feelings. Sure, it may just be pink paint poured over the deteriorating view, but people seem to prefer a false plasticized exterior to the true scars of life. It's nicer to gaze upon. Why else would we constantly be running to the doctor for nips, tucks and sucks?

Let's be honest, it is easier to build a wall of protection and isolation, from the pain of life, than to actually confront it and leave oneself so very vulnerable and afraid. I know this because I have done it, and continue to do it. I would rather run away and be alone than risk being forcibly abandoned.

If I were to reveal more about myself, I would have to start with my current life condition. I'd have to say my life has been mostly sunny, with occassional clouds (but usually just the low lying, moderately fluffy kind). When I think of the clouds in my life (and there have been quite a few) I tell myself that I can either see these clouds from the view of the birds or the sun. The birds fly through the clouds, and although they know the overcast is temporary, it obstructs their entire sight. They may get worried that this cloud will go on forever, and they will die trying to escape. They may feel weakened by the cloud as they struggle to move on through it. The sun, on the other hand, recognizes the clouds for what they are, nothing in compared to what he is. The sun knows of the clouds, but they are never, in anyway, more powerful.

I can compare my own clouds with that of other peoples. Sure I've never walked in their shoes, and can easily justify that my clouds are bigger and more suffocating. But as long as I've never been them, I'll never know their reality. Sometimes to look upon another person's struggles gives us a greater perspective, other times it makes us feel more alone. If I were to ponder the clouds in other people's lives, I would have to recognize that my own clouds are nearly non-existent, but while I fly through them they appear suffocating.

I try to find the moments of simple enjoyment within my days. I say that I'm easily amused or playful, but in truth I'm very over-analytical, metacommunicative and sensitive. I need to embrace the simple in order to not be bogged down by the multiple complexities of life. I figure this is my choice; otherwise, I over analyze and create a drama.

I have seen the struggle in life. I have also seen the survival. I came to the conclusion, in my early thirties, that I have decided to be a survivor rather than a victim. Victims, I concluded, stay feeling angry, hurt and used. They are forever focused on the negative persons in their lives and soul-sucking situations. They have given their power over to a past they cannot escape. Survivors, on the other hand, find purpose beyond their pain. They choose to seek out the life force behind the trauma. They choose to reclaim their own power and move on in the best way they can. They use strength (but are not always strong) to their advantage.

There are plenty of times when I sit and feel my strength waning. In these moments I remember the hurt from my childhood, where I was abandoned and ostracized by most. I recall the numerous years when I was very alone, and still present when I am quite intimate with the power of lonliness. I can focus on the imperfections of people who have tried so very hard to overpower me, bringing tears to my eyes and fears to my mind. Here, in this very dark place, I allow myself to feel and know that this is but one side of a multi-faceted life. I can remain there endlessly until I choose to sit back and force my perspective onto another facet. Every facet may have light dance playfully, bringing great brillance to life, or reflect shadow.

I see this perspective comparable to that of a horse with a 1 centimeter hole placed in the blinders that he wears. That one small insignificant hole is powerful enough to create an entirely new dimension to the current scenary, a mild distraction that can help the beast of burden know he is surrounded by freedom.

Each of us may have been saddled our whole lives and forced to be a beast of burden. Each of us may be prodded and whipped daily to keep moving even when we only hope over hope to rest briefly or run free. Each of us may feel restrained by life's fences or strangling grips and blinders. But each of us is able to view life from another perspective. We may have to struggle to recognize that there is something more than just the current dark clouds or encumbering landscape. But with that struggle arrives choice, and with choice arrives freedom and in freedom lives a whole new truth.

Sure it is easy for me to sit here and state that a whole new perspective is a simple idea. Truly it is. Yet the difficult task lay within the motivation of each one of us. I've said this often to the people whom I work with, "Psychology is made up of simple ideas and difficult tasks." You can be surrounded by clouds, or choose to soar above them, either way you are still you.

For me, each day is a little bit different. Each day all I have is what I grasp.

Ideas for Future Mega Art Pieces

2005-03-27T15:45:00.000-08:00

As Cristo's mega-art "The Gates" has wrapped up its tour of duty in Central Park, I've decided to offer some suggestions for the next intense art statement of the century:

1. Condoms On The Beach -- We all have seen them on our own romantic or family walks on the beach, discarded condoms from some of the many who are trying to safely recreate the beach love scenes of movies past. Let's get an artist to put those discarded rubbers to use and create an installation art piece entitled "Left Over Love." The artist can either pose the condoms into fascinating designs that can only be seen from an airplane, or they can collect, color and create a condom mosaic. However completed "Left Over Love" would become a popular tourist attraction.

2. Peep Art: Similar to the recreations of famous landmarks in toothpicks, we should use Peeps (yes, the marshmallow chicks) to recreate famous tourist attractions. Can you picture a "Peep" Golden Gate Bridge? How about a Empire Peep Building? Or the Arc De Triumph De Peep? The potential is endless!

3. Cardboard Boxes Across America: We all noticed with The Gates that installation art does not have to be fancy, so why not just use giant brown cardboard boxes? We can place these boxes within major landmarks or cities, take photographs or leave them for a brief exhibit. Picture a giant cardboard box in the hand of the Statue of Liberty. What is she holding?? What does it represent?? The curiosity will eat tourists alive (hmmm.. another idea)! We also can place a giant cardboard box in several well-known cities across the country and have the locals decorate. What message will your cardboard box say?

4. Stuffed Squirrels: Let's honor the multitude of tree rats (AKA. Grey squirrels) in the trees of America. Now before you get some silly idea that will have me receive evil emails and viruses from PETA, I'm thinking of ADDING stuffed animal (yes, the ones made of cotton, NOT real squirrels) to some of these parks. We can have stuffed squirrels everywhere! Picture thousands covering all the trees in Central Park! Or have them climbing the stairs of the Lincoln Memorial and lined up outside of Pennsylvania Avenue by the White House. Stuffed Squirrels can appear anywhere and everywhere!!

Here are just four of the many amazing opportunities for future installation art pieces to drive this country wild. Do what you like, but remember you must give credit where credit is due... well... maybe for my sake, it's better to just leave it between you and me. :-)

Prescriptions for the Hungry

2005-03-25T04:39:00.000-08:00

For those who work in a part of the healthcare industry where they are attempted to be wooed by pharmacy representatives, this blog is for you.

One perk of working in a hospital is that regularly we have pharmaceutical representatives visiting our unit, and they always arrive presenting food. Sure they bring their samples (which are essential for our patients who can barely afford the medications they peddle) and studies all of which coincidentally prove that their drug is the BEST drug, but most important of all they bring treats. Sometimes its snacks (popcorn, fresh donuts, pastries or chocolates) or they provide catered luncheons (a supposed "lunch and learn" where the rep will play an audio or video so we can learn about the drug use and successful trials of the drug they peddle), but best of all they will offer a night out lecture. These lectures are always held at some of the exquisite, gourmet and well-known culinary restaurants of the city (I can name drop, but feel no need to plug anyone right now).

These dinners often begin with a lecture where we learn (similar to the lunches) how their drug has been used successfully (and usually better than the competitions) in certain trials and what new clinical information (associated with the disease their drug treats successfully) is essential for us to know. During these lectures (presented by some very well published and well smeared doctors -- oops did I say smeared?!) we are indulged with fine wine or beverage (at no cost to us), appetizers, filet mignon and decadent desserts. Easily a single bill at one of these presentations (and there are held weekly by many companies) is over $5,000.

I've on occasion had the treat to attend these gatherings, and as much as I try to be thankful for my opportunity to have some of the finest food I would never be able to afford normally, I'm left in an ethical quandary. It is these very same drugs which are made at such an expense (so as to maybe cover the cost of these sale pitches?) that the clients I serve cannot afford them. Everyday (multiple times a day) I see clients come into the hospital because they couldn't afford a refill on their medications (some medications which will cost upwards of $500 a month!!). But here I am stuffing my face, enjoying fine wine, decadent desserts and treating myself to free pens, while they struggle to survive! The cost of one of these meals alone could provide free medication to some of my clients for a year!

I know that I can't stop the over indulgence (aka. bribery) that the pharmacy companies offer the doctors, but I would like to just say "HEY!!! Put some of this money into the patients you are supposed to serve!!" Yet, I'm just as guilty as anyone else who has attended these luncheons, ate a free pastry or consumed filet mignon in the name of the pharmacy gods, so maybe I'm being hypocritical.

All in all, I'm reminded of Ghandi's statement, "let us live simply so that others can simply live!"

Fare Thee Well Frank

2005-03-19T16:13:00.000-08:00

Last year I decided to experiment with the creation of an outdoor pond in my backyard from an old flowerbed where nothing really grew well. In doing the research, this duty turned out be quite an undertaking, but I looked forward to the challenge. I'm always up for new ventures, and being a visionary who is able to see the design but stumble at the pragmatic details, this seemed to be just the challenge needed. Excitedly I purchased and used new shovels, picks, bricks, gravel, liners and filter (sans mild blisters and bruises from the hauling).

After all the sweat and toil I proudly stepped back and admired my new creation. The pond laid 6 feet across, had a black inner liner, trimmed in two level, piled brick with white gravel fill. Sure, it all stood slightly askew due to the slant of my backyard (I couldn't seem to over compensate enough for that) but that added to its certain style. The grand finale was the addition of water lilies, water lettuce and four Comet Goldfish, whom I called Soni, Sami, Smitty and Frank.

The fish seemed to enjoy their new pond-abode and I visited them regularly adding new food to their eco-system. They often played, came to the top for food and would jump about in the water or chase each other. My pond was a success! Weekly, the plants grew faster and spread liberally across the top, which made me give them away to anyone who would take them. After that failed (they just kept growing and growing) regular trashings of leftover plants took place. But the fish seemed to continue to thrive and enjoyed the environment.

As Autumn approached I became concerned about the fishes' health in the winter time and contacted a few pond landscape stores. Each assured me that as long as the pond was 18 inches or more deep, had algae and plants, the fish would hibernate, feed lightly upon the remaining algae and plants, and survive. Soon Winter took hold and I chose to listen to the expert advice by disconnecting the filter. This allowed the plants to grow for Soni, Sami, Smitty and Frank to fuel their nibblings and hibernation.

Well, as snow fell and ice solidified the top water of the pond, I wished the fish well. I imagined them happily frolicking as hibernation's slumber took over, beneath the now green algae waters of the pond.

About late-February the great thaw began and Winter started to withhold it's grip. Unfortunately as Winter came and went, so too did the fish. The ice and snow melted to reveal the dearly departed and bloated bodies of Soni, Sami and Smitty floating on the top. Hymns lingered in my mind of The Circle of Life. The honorable funeral was well suited to the kind of fish they were (each got their own plastic bag coffin and received a ride on The Great Trash Chariot).

Afterwards, I felt the urge to seek out reasons for their demise. The best explanation was that there was too much algae in the water (from the rapidly growing and decaying plants) which eventually took too much oxygen for Soni, Sami and Smitty to survive. All in all, eco-systems require great balance.

But what about Frank?? He appears to have realized that the pond was not a very good idea after all and took off. Being the smart one, he probably hitched a ride with a local Canadian goose gang, as they journeyed off to brighter skies. I figure it was before the snow fell, because no tracks were in sight (goldfish or goose). Good for you Frank!!!

If you happen to come across Frank (he is about 6 inches from lips to tail, a bright orange color with a couple of white spots on his tail) give him my best regards. I wouldn't want him to feel depressed with the news of his pals passing, but hope to keep his travels light.

Although the pond is no more (I hope to rehab it back to a large container garden flower bed) I wish a fond farewell to Frank with an endearing Irish blessing for his journey:

May the ocean rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your gills.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fins and until we meet again,
May God hold you in the pond of His backyard.

Shameless Self Promotion II

2005-03-18T20:31:00.000-08:00

There has been a change of plans for the Art Show.

The debut of my art at Wydeye Coffee House and Gallery of Fells Point, Baltimore has been changed!

New Date: Friday May 6th - 18th, 2005

Opening Reception: Friday May 6th, 6pm - 10pm.

Location: Wydeye Coffee House and Gallery
1704 Aliceanna Street
Baltimore, MD 21231
410 - 342 - 7474

Join me for a celebration of Wine and Cheese which is also the evening of the monthly Art Walk. 10 other galleries across Fells Point will be open late that night as well. Hopefully it will be a beautiful Spring evening for a walk, where we can enjoy all the culture that Fells Point has to offer!!

The Birth of Smitty

2005-03-16T05:11:00.000-08:00

Have you ever gotten the urge to do something completely off the wall.. and then follow through with it? Recently I decided to attend one of those mind-numbing timeshare presentations, where they promise you free stuff if you can promise to sit and listen to their 90 minute spiel without drilling a screw into your brain in public. I was promised the receipt of a $75.00 VISA gift certificate if I could pass off as someone who was moderately interested. Hey, who can sneer at a free $75. bucks? So I played.

Well, I've never been the type of person to be completely normal, or at the very least not mischievious, so on arriving to the timeshare check-in I told them my name was "Smitty."
Sure, it was really just a simple sarcastic joke at first, but when the woman decided to actually WRITE DOWN on my "Hello! My name is..." name tag "Smitty" (with a completely straight face and welcoming salesperson plastic smile) I couldn't contain myself. I took it and placed it proudly on my chest. Thus, the birth of Smitty.

I sat through the entire time share demonstration and sales pitch with "Smitty" neatly printed on my chest, smiling happily and engaging in conversation with other "potential investors" as Smitty would. It was as if I was in a different life, observing the world from the P.O.V of some bizarre character. I sat and listened as the sales staff tried to relate directly to me and my needs by calling me by my first name ("Smitty") and offering me all the comforts which they thought would get Smitty to buy buy buy! I had a real difficult time trying not to absolutely crack up! The cherry on the cake was when the sales person tried to read the enthusiasm on my face, with the comment "I can see you are really enjoying this presentation Smitty, it's nice to see people who enjoy taking new opportunities for themselves and their families, don't you think Smitty?" "Sure!" I politely beamed, "Thanks," then continued in my psuedo-Smitty life, laughing half-hysterically on the inside.

I'm not really sure what I found more funny, the study of the human social-consciousness and how people try to relate to eachother, the sales attempt to tap into the ego desire for validity through human identity and possessions OR the whole idea that I could pull this off! Hmmm.. tough choice. I think I need more research. If not for Smitty's sake, for my own.

Stay tuned to this blog to check out the life of Smitty.

Normal?

2005-03-13T12:32:00.000-08:00

How does one define normalcy? Especially in a society where trends change daily. How do people judge normalcy? Is it based on cultural or social norms, physical traits, gender identity, conceptual idealizations? Where do our standards emerge and what do they mean for society as a whole? When it comes to standard norms, how can a person change from being abnormal to normal? And in being judged abnormal, does it really mean that deep down we fear their differences? Is it possible that once a person is tagged to be strange or rejectionable, that they can be reassessed on the normalcy scale and gain admittance to the clan de normalcy?

Personally, I think that what is normal for one social or cultural group is abnormal for another. Thus are our standards for judging normalcy balanced, or are our expectations really what need to change? Expecting someone to act how you would act may feel normal, but the expectation itself is unrealistic. People are different, we are individual creations each giving a varied flavor or glimmer in life's mosaic. I hope to recognize that normalcy comes from my own self, rather than the dependency on others approval. In this I feel that I gain my freedom back, feeling normal at last.

Alien Reflection

2005-03-10T18:45:00.000-08:00

I've come to the conclusion that I must be an alien in a human body, who has chosen to forget she is an alien pretending a human experience. There is no other rationale for my misunderstanding of human nature. I don't appreciate people or their actions. I can't conceive an intelligent explanation for why they do what they do. I don't see a logical reason for their strive for power, money, material goods, sex or beauty. I can't grasp a value for war, genocide, child abuse, ignorance, hurt, greed or apathetic behavior. I'm lost to the purpose of self-centeredness, celebrity, vanity and hate.

I feel like I'm a pawn in a game with no rules, no reasoning and no purposeful direction. Similar to Tom Hanks' character in Big, "I don't get it!" To be honest I don't think any of us really "get it," and that has been the pinnacle disappointment of all my childhood dreams. Maybe that conclusion is the same for everyone. Thus resulting in why we are trying to fill our lives with meaningless activities, to substitute false substance for existential nothingness. All of the doing will take our attention away from the painful reality of misconnection.

What is our purpose here and how are we to make sense of any of this? Help me! I just want to hop a ship and fly out of here!!

Children in Adult Clothing

2005-03-10T05:02:00.000-08:00

How come it seems that a good many adults act like children (and I don't mean that in the complimentary sense either)? At work yesterday (there aren't many of us) one of my co-workers was selectively (but in public) handing out invitations to a gathering at his home for this weekend. It was obvious that he had chose certain individuals to attend and others not to. I was one of the "unselected." Suddenly I felt like I had been slapped back in time to Jr. High School where the "cool kids" or "in crowd" were being picked for teams and I was (as usual) being left out. I was pissed, hurt, and frustrated. I felt like the nerd odd-ball loser who for some reason was being rejected by her peers. I'd never done anything to be rude to this person, why was he purposefully choosing to be rude to me?

Psychologically I know that I can't allow someone else to determine my self-worth for me, and that it is an immature person indeed who would act like this in an adult setting, but it still pushed some really old buttons for me. This is not the first time we've had issues like this at my work place. There have been multiple instances of clique behavior, bullying, gossiping and back stabbing. Do people ever grow out of this? When will adults act like adults and stop the playground behavior?

WARNING: Shameless Self Promotion

2005-03-05T18:03:00.000-08:00

WARNING: Shameless Self Promotion to Follow:

Wydeye Coffee House is to feature my art (paintings, photography and drawings) April 14th - 28th, 2005.

An Opening Reception is to be held on Friday, April 15th, 2005 6pm - 10pm.

Wydeye Coffee House is located in the heart of the Baltimore arts district of Fells Point.
1704 Aliceanna Street.
Baltimore, MD 21231
410-342-7474

ALL are welcome to celebrate with me!!!

Discover Something New Day

2005-03-03T04:45:00.000-08:00

Todays mission, if you choose to accept it, is to discover something new. Take a pad of paper and pen with you on your travels, open your eyes and see what you find. The world is a mighty fascinating place when we make it our business. I'll post my discoveries later.

Today's Discoveries:
My birthdate (829) is used multiple times in license plate numbers.
Al and Ann do the latter part of the Today show (9 - 10am)
Paint looks really good in globs.
Photographing the ordinary makes it extraordinary.
There are approximately 45,643 cigarette butts on the corner of a traffic light.
Birds are suicidal (they like to fly in front of moving cars).
There are itty-bitty teeny tiny ants by my sliding glass doors.
Glowing moon + clouds = rainbow
Snow melts in circular patterns.

What did you find??

What the Fuck?!?

2005-03-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

Ever hear of the euphemism treadmill? It is apparently when a word is used too often in a colloquial sense which then creates a distortion of its original meaning or nulls its effect. I have found this with the word "fuck." Personally, I don't even understand why it is used. What does fuck mean??! For real? There are the beliefs about medieval usage associated with crimes of rape and fornication, but even the Oxford English Dictionary contends the true etymology is still uncertain. I don't find it to be an offensive word or a scary word. In seeking answers to the history of the word, I found this fabulous website: Fuck - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia just reading the page alone nearly had me fall out of my seat!

The other night I was watching Dead Like Me, a show (which has recently been cancelled by Showtime --- FUCK!) but has become a fast favorite of mine (I adore Mandy Patinkin's character!) and the script went something like this:

Mason: What the fuck?
George: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Rube: Whatever is written on this Post-it, you can do nothing about, sit your ass down now.
George: This is so supremely fucked up!
Rube: It's late, you're tired.
George: What is this?! Why are you doing this to me?
Rube: I didn't decide....
George: Fuck your book, fuck your world.
Rube: ... grow the fuck up...
George: Blow me.

Other than the depth of emotional context in the above exchange (NOT!) I have minimal understanding as to why this word was used. Granted, this is just an insignificant example from our current cussing-excess culture. So, what is with this word? Why does it litter our interactions and what is it trying to convey? Anger? Frustration? Pain? Desperation? Fear? Loss? Pleasure? Displeasure? Who the fuck knows??! (sorry couldn't help myself). :-)

I think we place value into all of our experiences. We are the ones who give words, ideas and thoughts their power and meaning, not the reverse. Often the words we use reflect the respect we receive. Fuck has become an impotent word. It no longer rises to the occasion.

Trails and trials

2005-02-28T17:53:00.000-08:00

Today's Quote:
"Happiness does not come from doing what you want, but wanting what you do." (someone)

Some person was right. Do we want what we do? Do I want what I do? The existential questions linger. Is life more than a sum of its parts? Am I?

You ever feel pitted in a confrontation with yourself? You ever feel like you stand on a road, with too many trails.. each one leading in its own direction? Lost. Lingering. Left out. Here we stand pitted against hesitancy, burrowing our toes deeper into the soil beneath. It's better to be rooted in ambiguity than confronting fear. Maybe in the end the trails all come back together to form a single larger road. A road that all of us can walk comfortably. But now we are torn. Not as in which is right, but more as in what is right for?

Escapism would have me believe that the freedom to stand and stare into the void is forever mine. Escapism is right, freedom is mine, but so too is fear. It takes bravery to move forward. It takes assurance. Who can honestly say that they possess a solid perception in oneself, knowing that all journeys will be worth the risk? I would like to believe that fear is only a well-earned strength hidden behind a mask of illusion, but I still stand on trial for my decisions.

My feet cling and my heart thumps. I plant here contemplating pain or pleasure. Which is the worse sacrifice?

Snow Stupid

2005-02-28T07:44:00.000-08:00

Mindless observation for the day:

Have you ever noticed that the American television journalism industry, serving the middle states of the east coast, perceives that the average IQ of their viewing audience decreases by at least 20 points during an impending snowstorm? Well is it us or is it them?

We currently have an approaching snowstorm today which can leave *up to* 10 inches of white stuff in the Maryland area. Even though this IS a regular occurrence (well, at least in the WINTER) it appears that all other news goes by the wayside during an impending storm. We may be in the middle of an active war, with daily death and carnage, but apparently the snow is a lot more scary. There is a severe terrorist threat for the people of Europe, the Middle east and a plague of AIDS and poverty in Africa; BUT, our potential snow has now interrupted evening programming! This ultra-important lead story is preceded by a 7-minute "Doppler live" news alert, continuous crawl streams and a tiny miniature snowflake picture in the lower left of my television screen. Whoa! This MUST be serious!!! I wonder what the President has to say about the impending snow??? Does the FBI know? I already know what Fred the late-night shift worker at the local salt plant as to say.

What is going on here???!!! Are we that stupid?! Do we not realize that snow is a usual occurrence within our winter season? I don't recall ever having a live news alert when the temperature was expected to exceed 90 degrees in the Summer, or when an over-abundance of pollen invaded the Spring?! How about a live update with the valued members of the landscaping industry who risk life and limb to blow leaves every Autumn??

Here is a fact: SNOW happens... it happens EVERY Winter... it will continue to happen as long as there is moisture in the sky and coldness in the air! It is NOT dangerous (depending on how sanely you drive within it). You will NOT run out of milk or toilet paper (unless your supply is already depleted and you live over a mile away from a convenience mart - which is rare in MD). Most likely you will survive this AND potentially ENJOY it (snowman making is a craft overlooked by the modern art industry).

SO SNAP OUT OF IT!!! Call your local news station and tell them that as long as winter freezes over, so too will snow occur. Tell them that you are well aware of this fact and not afraid. Tell them that you'd like to know the potential conditions, but need not hear the minute by minute coverage! Tell them that it is okay to focus on something other than the obvious. Tell them that there is a whole WORLD out there crying for our attention. Tell them not to be SNOW Stupid!!!

Day One: Words

2005-02-28T00:09:00.000-08:00

Words are sometimes like the fine mist of suds that float up after pouring your favorite hot beverage (mine being Ghirardelli cocoa mixed with freshly ground coffee and milk). I don't understand the purpose of those tiny bubbles, but they are so nice to observe. They swirl in a meaningless dance and tickle your lips if sipped lightly.

Words are often just as meaningless.

Words like "everything will be okay," and "you'll laugh at this someday" or "have a nice day" are generally purposeless. These and all the other assorted platitudes are passed along in hopes of repelling the contagion of human uncertainty.

Every weekday I meet (and spend an extended amount of time with) people who have attempted to (or verbalized an intent to) kill themselves (I'll go into the details of this another day). The how's and whys of each of their stories are varied, but the bottom line is, they are still here even though they may have wished not to be.

I've met many people. Each whom has suffered and suffer yet still. Every individual eventually meets the faceless hopelessness of living. Every person will see their own visage. These images are real, as are the depths of darkness they can create, and no simple words can band-aid these gaping wounds. We are left only to heal ourselves in our own space, with our own strengths.

Life is painful. It hurts. A lot. Embrace these words and you get a smidgen closer to the substance settling at the bottom of your own glass.

Welcome to the Hamster Wheel of Life

2005-02-27T22:00:00.000-08:00

You ever notice that sometimes life just seems to be an endless pursuit of the monotonous? More money, more toys, more hopes, more self-loathing, more questions, more emptiness, more yearning, more chasing, more running! More! More! More! Run! Run! Run! Run the Hamster Wheel of Life. Exhausted yet?! 'Round and 'round it goes, when it stops, only Death does know.

Life and death, in and out, up and down, it can go on forever. People have been asking the meaning of the meaning for as long as meaning has been. And, like all the others before me, I too have no answers. But I do have the means to set up a free blog!! Whooo.. that mighty mighty power tickles my finger tips with sardonic wit!

I've heard that the answers in life are really found in the questions one asks and observations one makes. So, I've decided to give a space to questions... and answers.. and monotonous observations of the answer and question duality. Thus we create the mindful mind-less space. Am I double talking? Yes, isn't that one of the major life themes? Look how far it got the leaders of the "Free World?"

Each day I will offer up a witness (no, not as a sacrifice!). The key is to make it simple. I probably won't have time to answer your comments, but the idea is to comment on yourself and gain some something that probably only you know you've gained, be it several years in retrospect.

So hop on the Hamster Wheel of Life with me now and let your thinking self go!