Lesson 8

Workbook Lesson 8

My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts.

This idea is, of course, the reason why you see only the past. No one really sees anything. He sees only his thoughts projected outward. The mind's preoccupation with the past is the cause of the misconception about time from which your seeing suffers. Your mind cannot grasp the present, which is the only time there is. It therefore cannot understand time, and cannot, in fact, understand anything.

The one wholly true thought one can hold about the past is that it is not here. To think about it at all is therefore to think about illusions. Very few have realized what is actually entailed in picturing the past or in anticipating the future. The mind is actually blank when it does this, because it is not really thinking about anything.

My Commentary: Our minds are like movie screens, they always have nothing on them, they are merely foundations for our own projections to find their home. Likewise my own mind thrives off of the projections from the past. All of my fears and frustrations are rooted in these past thoughts, as well as my expectations for the future. It is only when I am able to recognize how the projections of my mind support by own resistance to peace of mind, that I reclaim my willingness to find solace. If I remain in denial the delusion will continue.

In truth I am not thinking about anything, I am only projecting. Now I choose to once again recognize the real clarity of my mind through the removal of all projection, and be still. I may not be able to accomplish this task long, for truly being still requires great discipline to fully achieve; but, being invested in and willing to experience the peace is surely a significant beginning.

Here and now I release all thoughts about the past. I accept the truth that it is no here, and never will be here. All perceived incidences which seemingly caused hurt have been set free. No longer do I hold onto any thought without understanding from where it arrives, and in what it is invested. Thoughts about people are false projections from the past where I perceived I could be harmed, betrayed or alone. This is not true, nor could it ever have been. I am more than I know.

Lesson 6 and Lesson 7

(I'm catching up from yesterday -- as I'm recovering from a bad cold. But nonetheless, these are very powerful lessons and significant for mind healing.)

LESSON 6

"I am upset because I see something that is not there."

The exercises with this idea are very similar to the preceding ones. Again, it is necessary to name both the form of upset (anger, fear, worry, depression and so on) and the perceived source very specifically for any application of the idea. For example:

"I am angry at _____ because I see something that is not there."
"I am worried about _____ because I see something that is not there."

Today's is useful for application to anything that seems to upset you, and can profitably be used throughout the day for that purpose. However, the three or four practice periods which are required should be preceded by a minute or so of mind searching, as before, and the application of the idea to each upsetting thought uncovered in the search.

Again, if you resist applying the idea to some upsetting thoughts more than to others, remind yourself of the two cautions stated in the previous lesson:

"There are no small upsets. They are equally disturbing to my peace of mind."

And:

"I cannot keep this form of upset and let the others go. For the purposes of these exercises, then, I will regard them all as the same."

Lesson 7

I See Only the Past

My Commentary: This lesson hits home for me, as it cuts to the core. Most of my upsets have been fueled by my choice to see what is not there, to see only the past. Namely I appear to carry on the perceived guilt in another. I have found it most difficult to free others from my judgments, especially when it comes to people whom I have already believed to be attacked by. Although the past is over, my mind is continually reminding me of all the perceived injury which was supposedly done and all the hurt feelings left behind. My mind continues to live in suspicion, wondering when this person will hurt me again. Projecting my hurt into to future, I assume that more people want to hurt others than be honest, loving and true. And then I am left as an empty shell, miserable and lost in my sadness. The world has become my prison.

But it is I who chooses to hold onto this perceived attack. It is I who sees this guilt in another and it is I who continues to suffer. It may seem that my mind judges instantly, but it is I who succumb without resistance. I torture only myself. I remember only the past. Yet reality has already moved on (even the person who has perceived to wrong me). I cling to what is not there. Yet why?

The Course has helped me tremendously over the years, but there are still a handful of so-called "button-pushers" I identify with. I struggle over the belief that we are all the same, and that even these so judged guilty ones are not separate from me. I accept this statement from The Course but still to this day do not live it completely. I find myself faking it until I make it, smiling and pretending that everything is okay between us, when if fact it is not. Continually practicing the lessons, year after year, brings me a little closer to my complete healing. Although I still have not completely let go, I notice definite improvement. I may still see guilt and anger linger. I may still feel wronged and assume in new situations that it will continue, projecting from the past, but it is not ruling my life anymore. The key has been recognized.

Forgiveness is the key to truth. "The emptiness engendered by fear must be replaced by forgiveness." We have to choose truth over darkness. We have to choose love over fear. There is no other way to heal completely. As long as we hold onto one grievance, we remain entrapped in darkness. We will continue to suffer and project the decomposed past onto the pristine present. We must choose to be free.

Honestly, this is not always easy. I sometimes find myself arguing with my mind, as it wants to project guilt or claim forgiveness. "But you don't understand..." my mind cries out, "look what he has done!!" "How can I let THAT ONE go?!?" Yet the peaceful voice within my mind persists, "Do you want peace? Your brother in truth as done nothing, because there is nothing here that can truly threaten you. If you identify with your body, with your world, than all you will see is guilt and lack of love. In the world there are more than a few excuses to engender fear, but being that is based on illusion, you base your judgments on false pretenses." And so the choice remains, do I want to live on false pretense or do I want to be peaceful truth? I am more than I know.

Lesson 5

(as the text of the lessons gets more indepth I'll be putting a link to them. Please go there and read the lesson and its explanation / directions in full so that you can practice as intended.)

Workbook Lesson 5

I am never upset for the reason I think.

This idea, like the preceding one, can be used with any person, situation or event you think is causing you pain. Apply it specifically to whatever you believe is the cause of your upset, using the description of the feeling in whatever term seems accurate to you. The upset may seem to be fear, worry, depression, anxiety, anger, hatred, jealousy or any number of forms, all of which will be perceived as different. This is not true. However, until you learn that form does not matter, each form becomes a proper subject for the exercises for the day. Applying the same idea to each of them separately is the first step in ultimately recognizing they are all the same.

Commentary from Rev. Deb Phelps: Today's Lesson gifts me with a mindfulness of what is occurring with my thoughts. I do not have to spend the time figuring it out at this point, why I am feeling upset, angry, afraid or the like. I just have to be willing to notice and be observant of what is there in my mind that is causing me some form of distress. I will learn as I continue to progress that all upsets are equal in their disturbance to my mind.

My Commentary: If I were to truly look at my thoughts as they were occurring, and admitted to myself that this upset is not for the reason I think, then I'm giving myself the opportunity to think differently. In searching my mind, and admitting that my upsetting thoughts are rooted in fears or thoughts of the past, I can see that I have more freedom now.

For example, yesterday I was driving home from my internship when a certain and sudden feeling of anxiety came to mind. I was thinking that my other cat (Sunnie) the beloved pet I've had for nearly 10 years was going to die too. I pictured myself walking into to house and finding him dead. I then felt horrible and scared. I thought, "How can that be? That isn't fair!! I'll be devestated!!" Next thing I knew I was driving faster, trying to reach home to make sure he was okay. But then I stopped (not suddenly) took a few deep breaths and accepted that I was probably not upset for the reason I thought. I realized that my anxiety was rooted in the past loss of my cat on Tuesday, and that I was magnifying that loss by pre-grieving any other possible loss. This brought me back to the present and I once again felt free. Of course when I did return home Sunnie was fine.. it was only my mind's distortions that were askew.

And such is the case with most forms of upset. We project our pain from the past onto an unknown future. We grasp for control through judgment, expectations and misperceptions. We literally torture ourselves and choose to surrender our peace of mind to the illusory demons of our imaginings. As long as we do this, any form of upset (small or large) will be equally disturbing to our peace of mind. Unless we choose again. The state of Peace is inside the mind beyond all these thoughts in the stillness. In truth we are free. We are more than we know.

Lesson Four

(Personal Note: This was yesterday's 1/4/06 lesson. Due to dealing with the loss of my cat, I felt a bit lost and needed some time to re-center. See below)

Workbook Lesson 4

These thoughts do not mean anything.

These thoughts do not mean anything. They are like the things I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place].

Unlike the preceding ones, these exercises do not begin with the idea for the day. In these practice periods, begin with noting the thoughts that are crossing your mind for about a minute. Then apply the idea to them. If you are already aware of unhappy thoughts, use them as subjects for the idea. Do not, however, select only the thoughts you think are "bad." You will find, if you train yourself to look at your thoughts, that they represent such a mixture that, in a sense, none of them can be called "good" or "bad." This is why they do not mean anything.

Commentary: Admitting that our thoughts do not mean anything is the final straw in accepting our power back. Is it not our thoughts that seem to control everything we say, feel and do? Are they not the major cause of all of our upsets? Thoughts create our expectations and manipulate our perceptions. They tell us what we should think about everyone and everything. There are too many times that I have become a slave of my thoughts.

For me to admit that my thoughts do not mean anything is for me to step into the light of freedom. I choose to look within into what appears to bind me. All the thoughts that instill fear, worry, guilt, anger and continued beliefs in separation. As long as I don't see these thoughts as meaningless they will continue to rule, and like the downward spiral, drag me into a dark oblivion of victimization.

But, I now know that I do not want that. I want to be free! I want to be happy and feel peace of mind. In order to do this it is required that I see my thoughts for what they are: snippets of misunderstandings only gripping me fearful by their projections. In truth they are meaninglessness. They cannot have hold over me unless I see them, accept them and then react to them. Yet, now that I accept the truth of their meaninglessness, I have another option: freedom.

I am more than I know... and this creates peace of mind.

-----------------------------

Personal note: The above lesson was a difficult one for me today, especially in grieving the loss of my cat. It took me most of the day (in fact as I was laying in bed at night) to finally admit that my thoughts of loneliness, loss, guilt, fear and pain did not mean anything. I reviewed the times during the day where I PERMITTED the fearful and sad thoughts to take hold. I reviewed the anxiety that was felt and hard cold stone of pain which appeared in my heart-center. I saw how this was the grip of my thoughts, and I needed to choose peace instead.

Any thought centered in fear is not a clear thought. These thoughts will only victimize you with further thoughts of fear, anger, doubt, guilt, pain, etc. As I lay and re-cognize and re-center on this, my mind remembered that it was the perceived emptiness and aloneness which supported the pain. Yet in truth I am never alone. There was no loss. It was not my cat's former body which created the love. It was only a tool for communicating that love and the message was well received for many years -- and returned. This brought my thoughts into a new perspective. I (and all within the world) are more than their mere appearance. We are never alone, because we are not solely our bodies. And that which we are in truth can never be lost.

Celebrating the life of Gideon

Gideon came into my life as "Barney" 8 years ago. I was not expecting to bring another cat home that day, but knew my other cat Sunnie would benefit from a playmate. Gideon stole my heart from the moment I saw him. He had found a way to position himself in the cage so his head could rest in the food bowl and his butt in the litter box. Even then he was a problem-solver!

Originally a ferral cat, it was suspected that he was handicapped from being hit by a car. Yet even with both of his back legs partially paralyzed and barely able to lift his tail, he put much strength into being a survivor. He waddled using what balance he had left in his legs to stand (he succeeded on carpet) he still had tenacity. His meow and purrs were always loud, so much so that once he was mistaken for a crying baby. Never surrendering when he wanted something, he first meowed very loudly then tapped on my foot or leg with one paw.. then escalated to clawing with the paw until I gave him what he wanted then and there. Even when he was sick he still pulled himself around on his belly and flicked his tail trying to make the best out the situation.

His loving strong spirit shown through in all that he was. He was the one who played passive to Sunnie's torment at first (often sneaking up on Sunnie later to retaliate). He is the one who waddled around with head held high, always acting as if his handicap was nothing of much concern. Sure, he'd occassionally play the "gimp card," but only when he knew it would help him get what he wanted.

Yet, when I wasn't looking he always found a way. With curiousity just as strong as his tenacity, he would teach himself to climb stairs using mainly his front paws and claws, with only his back legs as occassional pivots. I would lay in bed in the evening and hear him climbing enthusiastically to me.. claw, drag, claw, drag.. nothing stood in his way.

He loved the smell of the fresh air from the deck and always came running when he knew the door would be open, so happy to breathe the fresh air. He could sit on the deck for hours, sometimes even after the sun went down, peacefully sitting and breathing in the air with eyes half closed in pure joy. Sometimes I'd even find him on top of the deck banister, which still to this day I'm unsure how he managed to do that.

His world was not a world of limitation, it was only of love and possibilities. Greeting me everyday as I came home, he immediately waddled to the stair (next to the scratching post)and enthusiastically scratched it, all the while keeping his eyes on me for approval. He thought that scratching on the carpet was okay.. well, both the scratching post and stair were made of carpet, one was just closer to him to reach. He thought he was doing the right thing, so I could never correct him further (immediately after he'd waddle to his food bowl expecting his reward).

Gideon was always in the mood to give affection. Whenever I'd pick him up he'd place his paws on my shoulders in hug position, occassionally snuggling up so tight that I had to release his claws manually. His favorite place to sleep was with his face in my shoes. He had an odd fetish of enjoying sleeping with his nose covered and would often use any of my shoes he could find to stick his face in as he slept. He'd go on searches just to find a pair of shoes he could lay on; I started leaving them out of the closet just for him. Many of my shoes are permanently flattened from his weight of being slept on all day.

He also loved to snuggle on the bed with me at night. Even there he would forcefully shove his head in my hand or crook of my elbow, to cover his nose as he slept. Weighing in at nearly 19lbs (he didn't get much exercise other than his wrestling matches with Sunnie) he would climb the mattress (he couldn't jump that high) and settle as close to my face as he could. I'd often have to move around so as not to feel smothered or breathe in his fur as I tried to sleep. But he knew what he wanted and rarely budged. Yet no matter how close he was there was always one paw reaching out to touch me, possibly for extra security.

Gideon was assisted in his final transition today at 10:35am. He had been suffering from an unknown possibly genetic blood disease for the past two months, which escalated severely last week. I knew today was the day, as he was starting to show signs of suffering and I knew that he did not deserve a lingering kind of death.

I will miss Gideon dearly, and hope that these words of his favorite joys and adventures can help you remember him too. He lived to symbolize how love cannot be halted by injury and that limitation is truly in the eye of the beholder. I cannot express enough gratitude for all the love and joy he presented me with. As his name means, he was truly a warrior of spirit.

Rest in Peace Gideon... you are dearly loved.

Lesson Three

Workbook Lesson 3

I do not understand anything I see.

I do not understand anything I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place].

Apply this idea in the same way as the previous ones, without making distinctions of any kind. Whatever you see becomes a proper subject for applying the idea. Be sure that you do not question the suitability of anything for application of the idea. These are not exercises in judgment. Anything is suitable if you see it. Some of the things you see may have emotionally charged meaning for you. Try to lay such feelings aside, and merely use these things exactly as you would anything else.

The point of the exercises is to help you clear your mind of all past associations, to see things exactly as they appear to you now, and to realize how little you really understand about them. It is therefore essential that you keep a perfectly open mind, unhampered by judgment, in selecting the things to which the idea for the day is to be applied. For this purpose one thing is like another; equally suitable and therefore equally useful.

Commentary: This exercise cuts to the core of the "I Know" mind. Here I am openly and freely choosing to accept the possibility (if not the fact) that I do not understand what I see. This includes all the judgments that we make about everyone and everything. I do not understand that person. I do not understand that pencil. I do not understand why there are people who hurt other people in this world. I do not understand why my cat has gotten so ill and will die soon. I do not understand the world.

So what is there to understand?? In truth, there is much more to understand than our mere limited minds and experiences can see, feel, touch, hear or taste. There is more to understand than only our point of view can conclude. There is more to understand about everyone and everything than what I am believing I know right now... even if I'm absolutely sure that I am right.

Here we dance with the mindset of not being in control and not knowing the truth of all things or others. These two concepts alone could send your average adult into a panic attack. Aren't we supposed to know? How else could we make proper decisions? Wouldn't the whole world break out into Anarchy if we were to release control and admit that we don't know? I don't know.

Lesson Two

LESSON 2

"I have given everything I see in this room
[on this street, from this window, in this place]
all the meaning that it has for me."

Commentary: This IS a world of my perception. All that I see is dependent upon all that I believe I am. If I am to perceive myself dependent upon the things around me, that is a self-created prison. I would forever be left in fear of having or not having, need and being needed. I would be lost in a world of victimization and seeking outside of myself for happiness or completion. This is how powerful our minds are. They define and create the very world in which we live.

Our minds tell us what is necessary for our stability, health, success and well being. Our minds whisper fears if these things are not received according to our expectations and defined perceptions. Without our own meaning, in deed the world would be meaningless, which can fortify a sense of acceptance or a sense of fear. That also is up to us.

We punish ourselves through our "I know" mind. We tell ourselves that we know because we can see, hear, taste, touch and think. We tell ourselves that we know because we can logically deduce, and let that perceived knowledge create our hopes, joys and sorrows.

Yet fear is ever ready to pounce if I were to admit that I knew nothing. Wouldn't I then be left in a state of insecurity? Are not most people terrified by the unknown? Yet what if we were to strongly state to ourselves and to the world that we did not know? We did not know what these experiences were all about? We did not know what the future could hold? We did not know enough to make harsh or beneficial judgments about others? What if we were to admit that we are merely masking and projecting only to create a realm of perceived security? Could we gain peace through acceptance? Only our own minds could choose the result. And so even there we too are left within our own meaning.

So where do I find myself right now? Am I lost in a world of my own imaginings? Yes! Do I allow myself to thrive or be befallen by the world around me? Yes! Am I able to choose again and see with a more whole, peaceful perspective? Yes!! Since the world is a world in which I made by own thinking, I too hold the key to freedom. I am more than I know!

Lesson One

A Course in Miracles Workbook Lesson 1
"Nothing I See Means Anything."

Nothing I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place] means anything.
Now look slowly around you, and practice applying this idea very specifically to whatever you see:
This table does not mean anything.
This chair does not mean anything.
This hand does not mean anything.
This foot does not mean anything.
This pen does not mean anything.
Then look farther away from your immediate area, and apply the idea to a wider range:
That door does not mean anything.
That body does not mean anything.
That lamp does not mean anything.
That sign does not mean anything.
That shadow does not mean anything.

Notice that these statements are not arranged in any order, and make no allowance for differences in the kinds of things to which they are applied. That is the purpose of the exercise. The statement should merely be applied to anything you see. As you practice the idea for the day, use it totally indiscriminately. Do not attempt to apply it to everything you see, for these exercises should not become ritualistic. Only be sure that nothing you see is specifically excluded. One thing is like another as far as the application of the idea is concerned.
Each of the first three lessons should not be done more than twice a day each, preferably morning and evening. Nor should they be attempted for more than a minute or so, unless that entails a sense of hurry. A comfortable sense of leisure is essential.

My Commentary:

For me, this lesson inspires feelings of fear. It dares to thereaten the very substance which I have maintained my whole life. Indeed I have applied meaning to everything I see. I can accept that my investment in all I hold dear is dependent upon my investment alone.

The fear that comes from the removal of my investment. The thought that I will be suffering or lesser than secure if that which I speak of is removed. A thought in my mind says in rebuttal, "Oh! That does not mean anything?! Sure!! Okay!! Fine!! Let's remove it and see how you feel about it then." And suddenly my peace comes to a screetching halt.

"Wait!! Wait!!" I stammer. "I NEED that... don't take it!"

"But, I thought I heard you say that it means nothing???"

"No.. no... I value it. Please don't take it.. I'll be afraid... I'll be alone."

Aha!! But why? A more peaceful thought within me responds. "Why indeed?" I wonder why I feel a need for it -- what meaning have I applied to the object or image that I feel so desperately attached to it. So desperately afraid if I lose it. What does it appear to do for me? How does it appear to define me? How does it make me feel more secure? Loved? Successful? Happy? And what are those feelings anyway? Why do I even choose to define myself in those terms?

"That is the purpose of our study," responds the peace-filled thought once again. It continues, "We are looking at you looking at yourself. For questioning everything that you value, every thought or image that you hold dear, helps you recognize your own true freedom. Your own perception IS the world in which you see. But your own true perception and beingness is far beyond idol images and attachments. It will not come easily and fear will spur you deeper than you ever knew. Now we call attention to its threats, rather than appease. You are more than you know. But, in hiding behind fears, the true perception is veiled. You cannot truly lose anything -- only that which never was from the beginning. Rest on this."

And so I breath in once more and center on these words:

"Nothing I see means anything, I am more than I know."

A Course In Miracles

For those of you whom are not already aware, I am an active student of a spiritual self-study program entitled A Course In Miracles. There are many well-known self-help authors and celebrities whom have studies The Course and feel that it's knowledge has inspired them in their own understanding of the world and Self. I was introduced to the Course, solely by "accident" several years ago and have kept it mainly a part of my private life until this past year. I don't often feel the need to prostheletize, as growing up Jewish was often on the recieving end of many insensitive comments as people felt the need to "save me." Still, I believe that one's faith and beliefs are very much a private matter. Something that is for them to help only their own mind understand to and relate to itself. Whether you invest in a Higher Mind (God, Buddha, Jesus, Krishna, Allah...) is up to you, and should not be forced upon you or judged by anyone. It is all about our own search for meaning and peace, which to impede with fear only makes the experience less than its true purpose.

For this new year (2006) I've decided to begin posting thoughts on A Course In Miracles and my own personal meditations. Why? Because I want to. I feel no need to inspire or preach to or even encourage anyone else other than myself. If you feel any of the above, that is all from your own mind.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Course, it is divided into three essential sections. The text which is the backbone of its theological content, The Lessons which are used to guide one's daily use of the materials learned, and The Teacher's Manual, which helps the student take a step further in their own knowledge of their self.

For this new year, I will mainly focus on the lessons. There are 365, each tailored for one day of personal study. Each introducing an idea which can help you set your mind free of previously limiting boundaries. Like I said, all is within your own perception.

Lesson one and my comments on it will follow this blog entry, in addition there is a link on the side of this blog to the daily lessons and text. If you'd like to read more about the Course, I suggest you go there, because even in my own experience it is only a microspect that which I can do it true justice.

What Do You Do?

I've noticed that, in adulthood, one's career is used as a significant marker for judgment. Often when I find myself in a social function the following three questions make up the typical greeting:

1. Hi, what's your name?
2. Where are you from?
3. What do you do for a living?

The initial two questions are understandable for proper interraction, but the third is used almost solely as a judgmental evaluation of one's personal worth, education and status in life. Is it not true that if someone were to respond with doctor, lawyer, CEO or Astrophysicist our respect and interest in them would heighten? But if they were to respond Construction worker, Day Laborer, data processor or unemployed our responses would indeed change. We would probably assume that if the career was more prestigious the person would be more educated and deserving more respect or interest.

Personally as a Recreation Therapist I've come to realize most people are confused when they meet me. Most people have no clue what a Recreation Therapist is or does, let alone my level of education and social status. Usually the "what do you do," question is followed by an inquisitive look and "really?! What is that?" This then requires me to break out into my usual speech of, "I work in a hospital assisting individuals with their rehabilitation within social systems, such as stress management, anger management, leisure skills building, sensory stimulation and community integration. Currently I work specifically with substance abuse and psychiatric clients on an inpatient unit." Which of course is then responded with, "You work with crazy people??! In an institution??!" Sighhhhhh~

Recently I've become sick of giving my speech. I've tried to shorten it as well as make it more to the point, but still few know or care what my chosen career accomplishes.

This is why I've decided to change my responses. I've found increased humor and sociological value in my new responses, which only helps me to enjoy the moment rather than be concerned with the person's judgment and status evaluation. It is essential that all responses are given with a completely straight-face, only then are you able to make them wonder if you're telling the truth or taking them for a ride. Thus resulting in a successful study of the human psyche.

The next time you are at a cocktail party and feeling completely bored with other's innane conversation, try a few of these career responses on for size, and let the sociological studies commence.

1. Astrobotanist -- studies plants on other planets.
2. Toaster tester / technician -- adjusts heat coils for the appropriately desired burn.
3. Small mammal / rodent trainer -- helps hamsters learn the ways of the wheel.
4. Macropopulus sociologist -- studies crowds.
5. Interrogation model -- works in training with the FBI / CIA to help them hon their skills.
6. Entymological arbitration specialist -- "The Bug Whisperer" provides non-violent means for vacating bugs from your home or office. Speaks their language, encourages them to leave.
7. Vehicular Zoological Pathologist -- autopsies roadkill, designates roads safer for animals crossing.
8. Professional Fantasy Sports Referee -- works with fantasy sports players making sure they pretend to play fair.
9. Browsologist -- professional window shopper or studies to art of browsing.
10. Poultry Style Chorographer -- Helps train others in perfecting the Chicken Dance.